Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sreesanth reveals Bhajji threatened to slap him in Hyderabad test

(Written for The information is completely false inspired from past incidents)

Nagpur: In what could turn out to be another extremely damaging controversy for Indian cricket, Shantakumaran Sreesanth popularly known as appam chutia has revealed that Harbhajan Singh had threatened to beat him up if he failed to protect his wicket till bhajji completed his century in the just concluded Hyderabad test. Sreesanth in a frank conversation with Freeriding sid said that as soon as he walked out to be bat in Hyderabad Bhajji came up to him and said “Pichli baar ka thappad bhula to nahi?? Is baar aur jor ki khayega.” Sreesanth said he was shocked by Bhajji’s callousness and was so scared that he forgot to play his natural game. “No matter what the situation, I always play my natural game which basically consists of hitting fast bowlers back over their head for a six and then dancing a Rajnikanth style dance. Remember Andre Nel?? Unfortunately, I couldn’t do the same in this innings.”

Sreesanth reported that what made the situation worse was that Chris Martin was bowling who constantly kept taunting him and asked him to see “Bat like Chris Martin” videos on you tube and pick up a copy of his batting guide. “I so wanted to show him that I am the best number 11 in the world.” a visibly emotional and shaken Sreesanth told the media. Being compared to Chris Martin is like the ultimate insult for any self respecting number 11 and SreeSanth has vowed to teach the kiwi speedster a lesson in the Nagpur test.

BCCI officials told the media that they are more concerned with the kochi IPL issue and this issue will be handled once that is resolved. Arindam Chaudhari, the management guru who was not asked for any opinion by anyone has created a new management theory on the issue which will be published in the next edition of his People magazine. He calls it the Ass theory which argues that to get the best out of an ass like Sreesanth you needed an asshole boss. Harbhajan proved this theory in action in Hyderabad. Arindam Chaudhari who has been consistently ranked amongst the biggest assholes in the country said that his ass theory will be taught at his business school from next year and hoped to rope in Harbhajan as a guest lecturer for the same.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

All hail AIR INDIA and the Delhi crowds

(For the first time ever, this one is based on true events)

Terminal T3, IGI Airport, Delhi : A video is being viralled on you tube highlighting the incompetence of Air India authorities in handling flights on terminal T3. Please take a look

I was among the fortunate ones who were on board and would like to thank AI for giving me an opportunity to witness the humorous cocktail of Delhi temper and government’s inefficient service. The only reason, I boarded Air India in the first place was because all other private airlines were either booked or charging exorbitant rates and the timing (2300hrs) provided me some extra hours to spend in Delhi. Although I was completely aware about AI’s pathetic services, I decided to take the risk. I thought to myself – “how bad it could be?” I soon discovered the answer.

As soon as I entered the departure lounge of the Terminal T3 (completely in awe of the amazing infrastructure), I heard some slangs and abuses being thrown at Air India officials by some irate passengers on an international flight. I thought they must be elitist Delhites used to classy service showing there “desiness” on an international flight. I read Swami Aiyer once write that even Delhites will behave in Delhi Metro because people are sane enough to behave well if given good infrastructure. I just LOVE it when such learned, intellectual people (particularly economists!!) are proved wrong. Initially, my flight was late only by an hour and fifteen minutes and for someone used to travel by Indian Railways, this was only a small irritation. I sat behind a hot shot consultant (he was flaunting it on his lap top bag) and started talking loudly on the phone (to no one) clearly specifying my interest in consulting and almost read my entire CV (I am sure he heard it, but the asshole did not ask for my CV :P)

Soon the fiasco started, Bangalore flight was cancelled after a delay of 15 hrs (trust me no exaggeration). The crowd turned mad and started shouting at the departure terminal. After 1 hr of shouting and abusing, AI relented and announced that they would “arrange” a flight for Bangalore at 1:45am. And this opened a pandora’s box. Rumor mongers spread the news that AI has limited flights and whoever shouts the maximum will have the earliest flight. This resulted in widespread chaos and confusion.

There was a hot chick, amazingly articulate and extremely angry. She threatened an on duty police officer who spoke out of turn and the whole crowd supported her in this. The police officer decided to keep quiet thereafter. I really don’t understand – “Why do women get away with murder?” Besides that there were the usual comedians who tried to come up with funny oneliners (I did not find them funny, but considering their size I decided to join in the laugh). I tried my own piece but I quickly realized that angry people don’t understand sarcasm. Nothing more embarrassing than cracking a joke which nobody understands!! But the funniest moment came when a passenger took control of the public address system and announced in immaculate angrezi – “All passengers on Delhi Airport, don’t take AI flight pliss” The amused expressions on the Luftansa crew that passed by was a sight to behold. Then there was the angry young man who even threatened to beat the General Manager if the flight did not leave by 3AM. Amazingly, another passenger challenged him to beat the GM saying that the young man was only giving empty threats and had no balls to act on his threats (Bravo Sir, take a bow. Challenge some guy to beat the third guy. Now this is what I call a win-win).

Since, I was amongst the silent spectators on the outskirts of the crowd I overheard GMR officials congratulating themselves. They were pleased that finally someone was taking AI officials to task. Even the Delhi Police decided to be a silent spectator. One of them was happy that a GM level person was being crucified – “Sala roz hero banta tha aur hum galiya khaate the. Ab aaya hai aukat pe”

Meanwhile, the GM kept a super straight face. His stoic behavior convinced me that he was used to all this screwing every day and was not affected by it all. Finally we boarded the flight at 3AM. Some people refused to go in before getting the assurance that their luggage was on board. Paranoid, I thought at that time. I later came to know that losing one's luggage is a very common occurrence in Air India. After much convincing from the AI officials, passengers finally decided to relent and boarded the flight. We finally flew at 4AM with the pledge – “Never ever fly Air India again

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Over The Top Economist

Disclaimers: At the outset, I would like to clear the ground rules for the post
1. If you are in love with economics, please don’t read any further. You might be severely offended.
2. If you are a person with an IQ of over 150, this blog is not meant for your reading purposes because you are not a common man.
3. If your processor is incapable of sarcasm, humor or any such emotion, please refrain from commenting.
4. I am incapable of any intellectual discussion so please don’t bother

I would like to lay all blame for my inferior self esteem and low position in society on economics. It single handedly destroyed my academic career. Somehow I never seemed to get the hang of things because I always found it weird. Infact, the more I read the tougher my life became –

1. Firstly, it is highly theoretical with no applications in the real world. Even the basic supply demand relationships do not work in the real world. Ask any baniya(businessman) in Delhi and he will give you a simple economics law – “The price of any good is determined by the bargaining (not purchasing) power of the consumer” If the store keeper finds you to be a new one time customer not adept at bargaining, he will charge you exorbitant prices covering his entire margins so that he can provide huge discounts to the not so friendly aunty of the neighborhood (who is also a repeat purchaser btw). This philosophy of the local kirana stores is responsible for kicking ass of all fixed price modern retailers.

2. The primary reason that I hate economists is because they waste valuable government money on ridiculous researches.

I am pretty sure some random professor is currently doing a government funded economics project to understand why Harayana won so many CWG medals in aggressive sports like Shooting, Wrestling and Boxing. This is sheer waste of taxpayer’s money.
Anybody and I mean anybody (one even with an IQ of an average Delhite) in Delhi who has ever had an altercation (sorry I meant conversation) with a bus conductor or a security guard would let you know the reason why. You don’t need any research to find out.

In a few years time some economist will blame the Delhi Metro Ladies compartment for the increase in the number of frustrated males in the city and hence an eventual increase in the number of rapes (or may be gay couples) in the city.

3. Economists themselves know that market forces take care of themselves. So everything will return to the equilibrium point on its own. Then why the hell do we pay these idiots(sorry intellectuals)???

4. They are never really sure about anything. Markets fail they blame the free market, then the governments fail and they promptly blame the ridiculous communist ideology. The same expert will support increase of interest rates in the evening news show and then ridicule the same in the morning newspaper. They even discuss the ideal unemployment rate(I always thought 0% would be the ideal rate). Moreover, the richest country in the world has the highest trade deficit. This is clearly above the understanding of any rational indian.

5. Read any book on economics and your happy world would change forever. You suddenly realize that the extra high prices that you pay for your coffee at CCD or Barista was not because of the assured quality, experience etc(crap that marketers tell you) and only due to the high rentals at the places they open up shops. If you have read this for the first time, your coffee will no longer feel the same EVER.

6. Then there are places like Mumbai which screw up any economic theory. Even though it claims to be “modern” city, the rules that applied before the industrial revolution are still applicable in this city – “Supply any shit at any price, there always will be excess demand” (Modified Say’s law)

All the above apart, the single largest fallacy of all economic theories is that they are based on assumption that all people will behave rationally (lol, rofl, fucking awesome). How the hell can ANY such theories work in Delhi?