Friday, January 28, 2011

IIT KGP students decide to boycott Valentine's day

(Wrote it for fakingnews. Subject to approval from the big boss(pagal patrakar), it might be published. But as usual unedited version is ready here)

Kharagpur: In what could feel as music to the ears of Sri Ramsena, Bajrang Dal and the likes, students of IIT KGP have decided to ban celebrations of Valentine’s day on campus this year. President of the students union Mr Sriram Rajagopalachari addressed the media saying that the decision was taken by an absolute majority and most of the students stand by the decision. “It is unfair to let a tiny section of students enjoy a festival when hundreds of others are suffering at the same time”. He said that the Valentine’s day has increased cases of depression in IIT students. “The official country census says that the sex ratio is 950 something. But you will understand the true reality when you see my facebook friend list. The actual sex ratio is actually 100. In such a scenario events like Vday, add to the frustration of already massively hassled IIT students. In some cases it increases homo sexual tendencies too” a happy IIT student told the media. It is well documented that in many engineering colleges, male students give chocolates to each other on chocolate day. Freeriding sid managed to contact the only IIT KGP student with a girlfriend. He on the condition of anonymity told fakingnews that he was somewhat disappointed but agreed to stand by his friends in the noble cause “All of us are suffering together. The only reason I am still with my current gf is because I don’t have an option of moving on. It is a sad state of affairs and by taking this step if the sadness subsides a bit, I am all game for it. Anyways, it is all about peer pressure and if nobody in my clan is having a date, I don’t mind being single either.”

Mr Sriram is writing to other engineering colleges for support and has received positive response from lots of engineering colleges. Some students in Delhi College of Engineering as a part of their CSR project, have reportedly started spreading awareness in Bawana (neighboring village) about the ills of Valentine’s day. IIT Guwahati has asked its 10 non male students to take a holiday for a week in case some students are not able to control themselves.

Sriram is positive that this wave will spread across the entire country and all students of engineering will ultimately decide to boycott in what he calls “A festival for the lesser mortals”.

Monday, January 17, 2011

10 reasons why I am going to assume that the last India SA match was fixed

The last month has been absolutely dry for any blogger. Corrupt politicians have been sacked, India is winning away test matches, no more rapes are happening in Delhi and worst of all even Appam is behaving like a cow. How can the blogging industry survive in such a scenario?? Fortunately we have the proud Indian cricket "fan" to bail us out.

Some so called Indian cricket “fans” have been propagating stories that the last Ind-SA match was fixed. Initially I rubbished the idea thinking that it was foolish to spread such rumors. But some more analysis helped me in understanding their psyches and I have promptly decided to join in the bandwagon of those “fans”. I just jotted some of the most compelling reasons for all Indian men to believe that not only the last match but all cricket matches are fixed -

• Being a proud Indian, I feel that we Indians are genetically weak and a nervous wreck. It is scientifically impossible for us to win any close games. Whenever I see a girl watching me bat, I get out immediately. Then how can Munaf Patel(being just like me) take two wickets in the last over when the entire world was watching him??

• Being a proud racist, I also feel that poor South Africans are the dumbest people on earth. Infact, SA team has had a history of being dumb (Remember Shaun Pollock). They will fix a match and then make it absolutely obvious by getting out on short and wide balls. Even a layman can be more subtle. For example, if I fix a match I will get out to Zaheer’s Yorker instead of Munaf gentle medium pace.

• Being a proud “MAN” and an MCP, I got to have strong “manly” opinions about everything.It is the job of women to believe in the romance of the one day game.

• Being a materialistic asshole, I don’t see the point in NOT fixing matches. Which logical cricketer will want to win a game if he is getting paid more for losing??

• Being a proud sensationalist, I love masala stories. That is why I love fixed reality shows, fixed news, WWF and now even fixed cricket. Reality would be so boring.

• Being an elitist, I am convinced that a team built up of people like Dhoni, Munaf, Pathan (coming from lower middle class) must be corrupt.

• Being a sore loser, its my duty to be jealous of every successful guy on this earth. While I lick my boss’s ass, how can men younger than me become the No 1 team in the world

• Being a complete cynic, I feel that all goodness in this world has decimated and nobody on earth should be trusted.

• Being an eternal pessimist, I know nothing good can happen to me. The team I support or claim to support cannot win any match under normal circumstances.

• Being a proud blogger, It is my duty to make this blog famous. I know idiots will never share my blog if I write about boring dumb things. All headlines must have some weight.