Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Bishen Singh Bedi available for World Cup 2011

(Again a fake story published on sportskeeda website and cricket crazy facebook page)

Inspired by Shane Warne’s comeback talks, India’s ace left arm spinner Bishen Singh Bedi declared himself available for selection for World Cup 2011. Bishen Singh Bedi in replying to a question in a TV show told the audience that he felt he was still fit enough to play for India and would be ready to come out of retirement if the fans requested him to do so. Bedi who has constantly criticized Indian spinners for the past 20 years was speaking on a TV show “Match ka Mujrim” when a fan asked him to comment upon the calls to invite Shane Warne back in the Australian team. In an emotional response Bishen Singh Bedi lashed out at the Indian fans for not being sensitive about their ex cricketers and praised the Australian audience for remembering past legends. Bedi said that he had kept himself fit and perfectly in shape and was always ready for any such recall. He said that he was easily the best spinner in India and could outclass Harbhajan Singh any day.

In a bid to increase the TRP’s the TV show host appealed to the audience to start a campaign imploring Bedi to return to the Indian team. Last heard, an SMS campaign has already been launched by various telecom companies asking people to vote for Bedi’s returns.

When Harbhajan Singh was asked about the possibility of Bedi taking his place in the squad as the frontline spinner, Bhajji admonished the reporter telling him that Bhajji was India’s leading "all rounder" and felt insulted on being called a spinner. He further added that this was Bedi’s publicity stunt and an attempt to make it large in life.

Former India captain, Sourav Ganguly rubbished the suggestion calling it ridiculous but extended a warm welcome to Bedi to bowl to him in a local charity game. “Bedi always had more than a few things to say about my batting. I would absolutely love to bat against him” a visibly amused Ganguly told the media.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Indian MBA students behind Sampras’s stolen trophies

(Wrote for fakingnews.com. Unpublished as yet. Needless to say, the store is fake. Idea Credits - Sabyasachi Ghosh)

Los Angeles: In what could turn out to be a major embarrassment for India, FBI today in a press conference revealed that a gang of Indian MBA students was involved in stealing the trophies of tennis legend Pete Sampras. Addressing a packed press conference in LA, FBI officials claimed to have cracked the case. They alleged that they have busted a company named Day0.com, run mostly by alums of prestigious Indian management institutes which stole trophies, certificates etc from various high profile sources, forged them and then sold them at high prices to current Indian students who wanted to use them as high profile CV points.
Fakingnews has got access to a leaked email that Manish Kumar – the CEO of Day0.com used to send to prospective clients. The email promises them of selling CV points ranging from social work in an NGO to live performance in a reality show. Day0.com claims to have placed over 1000 students in multinational Day 0 companies and boasted of the best international placements amongst all other companies operational in this field increasing suspicion of presence of more such gangs working in India.
Manish kumar, an IIT-IIM alum confessed in front of FBI saying that with the placement season in all Bschools starting soon they were pressed for getting newer meatier CV points and made a mistake by punching way above their weights. “Sports points can be sold at extremely large prices because they give an IITians CV, the ideal balance his otherwise geeky CV needs” he told the media. “Business had been really slow over the past two years and with bumper placements expected this year, we were hoping to expand our business. We wanted to become the first company selling international CV points. We expected to sell, International Level – Tennis Player, at a minimum price of Rs 1 lakh”
IIM directors accepted that they were aware of students exaggerating and faking CV points but blamed the US companies for encouraging such practices. “It’s generally the companies headquartered in US and UK which expect our students to have sports and social work in their CV’s. Such expectations are unreal and hence lead to a mad urge amongst students to exaggerate points. A local gully tennis ball match becomes a Zonal level cricket tournament and forced teaching assignment becomes volunteer social work. We cannot blame the students for this nonsense” an enraged IIM director told the media.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sreesanth reveals Bhajji threatened to slap him in Hyderabad test

(Written for fakingnews.com. The information is completely false inspired from past incidents)

Nagpur: In what could turn out to be another extremely damaging controversy for Indian cricket, Shantakumaran Sreesanth popularly known as appam chutia has revealed that Harbhajan Singh had threatened to beat him up if he failed to protect his wicket till bhajji completed his century in the just concluded Hyderabad test. Sreesanth in a frank conversation with Freeriding sid said that as soon as he walked out to be bat in Hyderabad Bhajji came up to him and said “Pichli baar ka thappad bhula to nahi?? Is baar aur jor ki khayega.” Sreesanth said he was shocked by Bhajji’s callousness and was so scared that he forgot to play his natural game. “No matter what the situation, I always play my natural game which basically consists of hitting fast bowlers back over their head for a six and then dancing a Rajnikanth style dance. Remember Andre Nel?? Unfortunately, I couldn’t do the same in this innings.”

Sreesanth reported that what made the situation worse was that Chris Martin was bowling who constantly kept taunting him and asked him to see “Bat like Chris Martin” videos on you tube and pick up a copy of his batting guide. “I so wanted to show him that I am the best number 11 in the world.” a visibly emotional and shaken Sreesanth told the media. Being compared to Chris Martin is like the ultimate insult for any self respecting number 11 and SreeSanth has vowed to teach the kiwi speedster a lesson in the Nagpur test.

BCCI officials told the media that they are more concerned with the kochi IPL issue and this issue will be handled once that is resolved. Arindam Chaudhari, the management guru who was not asked for any opinion by anyone has created a new management theory on the issue which will be published in the next edition of his People magazine. He calls it the Ass theory which argues that to get the best out of an ass like Sreesanth you needed an asshole boss. Harbhajan proved this theory in action in Hyderabad. Arindam Chaudhari who has been consistently ranked amongst the biggest assholes in the country said that his ass theory will be taught at his business school from next year and hoped to rope in Harbhajan as a guest lecturer for the same.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

All hail AIR INDIA and the Delhi crowds

(For the first time ever, this one is based on true events)

Terminal T3, IGI Airport, Delhi : A video is being viralled on you tube highlighting the incompetence of Air India authorities in handling flights on terminal T3. Please take a look


I was among the fortunate ones who were on board and would like to thank AI for giving me an opportunity to witness the humorous cocktail of Delhi temper and government’s inefficient service. The only reason, I boarded Air India in the first place was because all other private airlines were either booked or charging exorbitant rates and the timing (2300hrs) provided me some extra hours to spend in Delhi. Although I was completely aware about AI’s pathetic services, I decided to take the risk. I thought to myself – “how bad it could be?” I soon discovered the answer.

As soon as I entered the departure lounge of the Terminal T3 (completely in awe of the amazing infrastructure), I heard some slangs and abuses being thrown at Air India officials by some irate passengers on an international flight. I thought they must be elitist Delhites used to classy service showing there “desiness” on an international flight. I read Swami Aiyer once write that even Delhites will behave in Delhi Metro because people are sane enough to behave well if given good infrastructure. I just LOVE it when such learned, intellectual people (particularly economists!!) are proved wrong. Initially, my flight was late only by an hour and fifteen minutes and for someone used to travel by Indian Railways, this was only a small irritation. I sat behind a hot shot consultant (he was flaunting it on his lap top bag) and started talking loudly on the phone (to no one) clearly specifying my interest in consulting and almost read my entire CV (I am sure he heard it, but the asshole did not ask for my CV :P)

Soon the fiasco started, Bangalore flight was cancelled after a delay of 15 hrs (trust me no exaggeration). The crowd turned mad and started shouting at the departure terminal. After 1 hr of shouting and abusing, AI relented and announced that they would “arrange” a flight for Bangalore at 1:45am. And this opened a pandora’s box. Rumor mongers spread the news that AI has limited flights and whoever shouts the maximum will have the earliest flight. This resulted in widespread chaos and confusion.

There was a hot chick, amazingly articulate and extremely angry. She threatened an on duty police officer who spoke out of turn and the whole crowd supported her in this. The police officer decided to keep quiet thereafter. I really don’t understand – “Why do women get away with murder?” Besides that there were the usual comedians who tried to come up with funny oneliners (I did not find them funny, but considering their size I decided to join in the laugh). I tried my own piece but I quickly realized that angry people don’t understand sarcasm. Nothing more embarrassing than cracking a joke which nobody understands!! But the funniest moment came when a passenger took control of the public address system and announced in immaculate angrezi – “All passengers on Delhi Airport, don’t take AI flight pliss” The amused expressions on the Luftansa crew that passed by was a sight to behold. Then there was the angry young man who even threatened to beat the General Manager if the flight did not leave by 3AM. Amazingly, another passenger challenged him to beat the GM saying that the young man was only giving empty threats and had no balls to act on his threats (Bravo Sir, take a bow. Challenge some guy to beat the third guy. Now this is what I call a win-win).

Since, I was amongst the silent spectators on the outskirts of the crowd I overheard GMR officials congratulating themselves. They were pleased that finally someone was taking AI officials to task. Even the Delhi Police decided to be a silent spectator. One of them was happy that a GM level person was being crucified – “Sala roz hero banta tha aur hum galiya khaate the. Ab aaya hai aukat pe”

Meanwhile, the GM kept a super straight face. His stoic behavior convinced me that he was used to all this screwing every day and was not affected by it all. Finally we boarded the flight at 3AM. Some people refused to go in before getting the assurance that their luggage was on board. Paranoid, I thought at that time. I later came to know that losing one's luggage is a very common occurrence in Air India. After much convincing from the AI officials, passengers finally decided to relent and boarded the flight. We finally flew at 4AM with the pledge – “Never ever fly Air India again

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Over The Top Economist

Disclaimers: At the outset, I would like to clear the ground rules for the post
1. If you are in love with economics, please don’t read any further. You might be severely offended.
2. If you are a person with an IQ of over 150, this blog is not meant for your reading purposes because you are not a common man.
3. If your processor is incapable of sarcasm, humor or any such emotion, please refrain from commenting.
4. I am incapable of any intellectual discussion so please don’t bother

I would like to lay all blame for my inferior self esteem and low position in society on economics. It single handedly destroyed my academic career. Somehow I never seemed to get the hang of things because I always found it weird. Infact, the more I read the tougher my life became –

1. Firstly, it is highly theoretical with no applications in the real world. Even the basic supply demand relationships do not work in the real world. Ask any baniya(businessman) in Delhi and he will give you a simple economics law – “The price of any good is determined by the bargaining (not purchasing) power of the consumer” If the store keeper finds you to be a new one time customer not adept at bargaining, he will charge you exorbitant prices covering his entire margins so that he can provide huge discounts to the not so friendly aunty of the neighborhood (who is also a repeat purchaser btw). This philosophy of the local kirana stores is responsible for kicking ass of all fixed price modern retailers.

2. The primary reason that I hate economists is because they waste valuable government money on ridiculous researches.

I am pretty sure some random professor is currently doing a government funded economics project to understand why Harayana won so many CWG medals in aggressive sports like Shooting, Wrestling and Boxing. This is sheer waste of taxpayer’s money.
Anybody and I mean anybody (one even with an IQ of an average Delhite) in Delhi who has ever had an altercation (sorry I meant conversation) with a bus conductor or a security guard would let you know the reason why. You don’t need any research to find out.

In a few years time some economist will blame the Delhi Metro Ladies compartment for the increase in the number of frustrated males in the city and hence an eventual increase in the number of rapes (or may be gay couples) in the city.

3. Economists themselves know that market forces take care of themselves. So everything will return to the equilibrium point on its own. Then why the hell do we pay these idiots(sorry intellectuals)???

4. They are never really sure about anything. Markets fail they blame the free market, then the governments fail and they promptly blame the ridiculous communist ideology. The same expert will support increase of interest rates in the evening news show and then ridicule the same in the morning newspaper. They even discuss the ideal unemployment rate(I always thought 0% would be the ideal rate). Moreover, the richest country in the world has the highest trade deficit. This is clearly above the understanding of any rational indian.

5. Read any book on economics and your happy world would change forever. You suddenly realize that the extra high prices that you pay for your coffee at CCD or Barista was not because of the assured quality, experience etc(crap that marketers tell you) and only due to the high rentals at the places they open up shops. If you have read this for the first time, your coffee will no longer feel the same EVER.

6. Then there are places like Mumbai which screw up any economic theory. Even though it claims to be “modern” city, the rules that applied before the industrial revolution are still applicable in this city – “Supply any shit at any price, there always will be excess demand” (Modified Say’s law)

All the above apart, the single largest fallacy of all economic theories is that they are based on assumption that all people will behave rationally (lol, rofl, fucking awesome). How the hell can ANY such theories work in Delhi?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The guide to crack any B school interview

Today is the second anniversary of the day I lost my ego. After 7 rejections within 24 hours and 3 more 1.5 years later, I have become an absolute master at cracking any interview :-). So it is my duty to share the wisdom I have acquired through my predicament.

I decided to start with the very reason you should trust my inputs.

Never seek advice from a person who cracked the company
Imagine you are someone who has gassed his way into a Day 0 company. Now a junior comes to seek advice from you. Since you are a nice guy, you would never turn the junior away in disappointment. You will obviously tell him what he wants to hear. You will tell him how the company asked you high level fundas and business questions which you cracked with ease. You will tell him about your awesome CV,the competitions you won in the 2 years and the NGO work you did.

Perhaps, now you know NEVER seek advice from such people. Ask those who couldn’t make it through to get a glimpse of the harsh reality. So here are a few magical insights into the big bad world of B school placements

Treat companies like a girl

The most important thing in cracking a company is to treat it like a girl. I have seen that people who are smooth with girls are most often the ones who crack the most sought after companies. Remember the golden rule - All HR’s are from XL, XL girls are hot, All hot girls are dumb and dumb girls love flattering.
A person got through a leading FMCG company after coming up with this ridiculous pick up line – “ Mam, when I was 4 months old the first thing my mom gave me to eat was Product Y. Right from that day itself (Company X) has become my dream company. “ (Company and Product name removed because some paranoid Bschoolers believed my blog could hamper their placements. The best complement i have ever recieved :P)

If you manage to keep yourself awake throughout the 1.5hr HR GD process (a very difficult task, mind you), you are bound to get a shortlist for the PI. Just keep repeating words like “Ethics, values, people’s value” after every 5 minutes.
In the interview, try to be innovative when you want to display your values and social work. You really need to come up with some weird and interesting examples to satisfy their inherent need to hear goodness in this world.
For example – Suppose you molested a girl and then accepted the fact in public, TAS will treat you as a person with high moral values because you were brave enough to accept your mistake.

P&G is one company that has institutionalized “gassing” as we all know it. I think P&G India needs to constantly explain P&G worldwide on why HUL is kicking their ass in the country. For this they need speakers who can eloquently confuse any panel in the presentation. Have you ever given an exam where you knew the questions that would be asked? P&G will be that exam. Unfortunately only few will get through. P&G selections are naturals. As they say “Greatness and gassing can never be coached”
Weird as it may sound but having Gassy names (like – Yatindra vijaywargiya, Chimney, Shantakumaram Parthsarthi )gives you an edge in P&G interviews.

Investment Banks
To get into an I Bank you need to prove to them that you are one hopeless workaholic. You need to show them that you are the kind of person who has no friends, is likely to be divorced within a year of marriage, has no interests or hobbies in life, is always whining and smiled the last time when he was a 5 year old.
Only such people can survive the hard core 20 hour a day work schedule of I banks.
Huh, and you thought it is an awesome CV that takes you into an I bank

You are a hot girl
In case you are a hot girl, choose your options very wisely. Select the 2-3 companies you want to get into and then apply only in those. You don’t want to wreck other careers.

Day 3 Day 4 Types
Unknown multinationals (those with operations in India, Bangladesh and Bhutan) like “Chilly Filly” and Indian FMCG minors like Chintoo Candies are the most intriguing. They do not in any way believe that they are inferior to the companies mentioned above. Even they would ask questions like “Why do you want to join Chintoo Candies?” etc. Now here is a tailor made answer for you –

“Sir, HUL P&G and ITC etc are already well penetrated into the entire market. Chintoo candies are in a mode of expansion (See how slyly you put across the point that you have no existence). The kind of opportunities and new challenges I will get at Chintoo candies is incomparable to any place else”


Mahindra and Mahindra’s selection process is scientifically designed. The long GD process brings out the best amongst all candidates in terms of content as well as values. Without creating a fish market every candidate gets the best opportunity to showcase his talent. The interview process too is extremely conceptual, based on a pattern very similar to IIT JEE. This has helped M&M to always recruit the best candidates from all campuses. (Confused?? Read the point no 1 again)

If you are an XL girl (Probability – 0.00001%) – See I called you hot :P
If you are Anand Mahindra (Probability – 0.0000000001%) – Sir, I was given a PPI. Still waiting for the interview
If you are a company HR (Probability – 0.001%) – All views and characters mentioned in the post are that of the author (some freeriding sid fellow) and I take no responsibility for his actions.
If you are a hot girl(Probability – 0.000000000000000000000001%) – Your entire breed has always given me a damn, now I give you a damn. Ukhaad lo jo ukhaadna hai :P

Serious PS: To be read with your sense of humour caps on. To those who do not have one are as it is denied entry to my blog :P

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

IIPM to introduce CWG case study in course curriculum

(Disclaimer: This blog was written for fakingnews.com (under my pseudo name freeriding sid) and did not get published. The information is fake) Diclaimer added after i recieved random mails asking for the case study -- True story :P

New Delhi: IIPM director Arindam Chaudhari declared yesterday that IIPM would create a case study on the management of the commonwealth games 2010. IIPM reported that they have identified CWG 2010 as an exemplary example of HR management and hope that students can learn something out of it. Not only did Commonwealth Games authorities followed the super popular JIT technique by completing all tasks right at the eleventh hour bringing down the maintenance cost to almost zero levels, they also managed to keep all the employees happy and cheerful by providing them best in class remunerations.

Arindam Chaudhari in addressing a press conference declared that the case study is revolutionary in the sense that for the first time a case study will talk about employee engagement. The organizing committee has had an attrition rate of almost zero percent despite all opposition from the customers. Shah Rukh Khan one of the faculties at IIPM talked to freeriding sid. He said “All management principles talk only about customers ignoring the employees completely even though they form the most important part of any organization. We at IIPM are always looking towards creating revolutionary management principles and ideas. We hope that this case study would lead to better HR policies amongst Indian companies”

Arindam declared that IIPM which is already an established leader amongst Indian business schools has taken this step to challenge the hegemony of Harvard Business School in creating business case studies. “All Indian business schools have to study cases of Indian companies published in HBR. We at IIPM feel that we can create better caselets than HBS. This will enable us to take on the business schools from all across the world” Said Arindam Chaudhari in a press conference. Arindam said that he hoped to come up with an IIPM business review(IBR) similar to the HBR with more such Indian examples. The tagline of the IBR would be “Dare to think beyond HBR and Toyota”

Monday, September 13, 2010

You know you are addicted to facebook when

I am seriously appalled by the callousness of my friends who keep wasting time on facebook. While I waste my time blogging, which I feel is a social cause and can be passed on as CSR, others are simply whiling away time on facebook. I feel most of my friends are addicted and need some serious counseling. To help them out I did some serious research and came up with the most clear cut indicators of facebook addiction.

1. You know you have had too much of facebook when you want bad things to happen to yourself so that you can put up a sympathy arousing, witty or funny status message.

2. You suggested your boss that social media is the most revolutionary marketing tool ever discovered and your company should definitely invest in it before the competition reaches there. Since your boss is a gullabe 50 year old nice guy (and internet illeterate), he gave you the entire responsibility of the project. Now you facebook the entire day under the facade of doing valuable business for the company.

3. More than once in your life you have had a very strange conversation with a hot (Acc to DCE/NSIT/NIT standards) chick you met for the first time. Not because you are a dork but because you knew absolutely everything about her (her college, hometown, places she has visited, even her commitment status and specially her mutual friends) and she refused to even acknowledge your name. Trust me,if you are a smart ass you can use it to your advantage by preempting things she is about to say.

4. On the subject of mutual friends, you will always find one guy who is a mutual friend of all the girls you checked out on facebook. Dont worry, he is one of those loser guys who send “will you be my fraaand?” requests to everyone and sometimes get lucky. Instead of being jealous, you should thank him. It is because of such wierdos that you are being allowed access to profiles you have no right to. (Seriously how cheap and despo some people can be!! Wink wink)

5. The only newspaper articles, reports, videos, sports events you have followed in the past week have been the ones posted on the walls of your friends.

6. Thanks to the above point you have developed a very strong opinion about all matters and are not shy to express it. This situation becomes dangerous when you start thinking that your opinion matters. It is at this stage that you should start searching a psychiatrist. In case you cannot find one, contact Chetan Bhagat and Times of india. They are looking for revolutionaries in their mission to malign CWG2010.

7. You judge people according to the number of likes received to their comments. Actually, you get into depression when your crush does not like your SM. You get angry on seeing the way all guys are hell bent on liking all the comments (even drab stupid ones) made by the hottest damsel of your class. (How pathetic can guys be )

8. You know it for a fact that status updates of all girls are witless, brainless and humorless. Yet you make it a point to like these status messages. You never know when you can get lucky. (Return to point number 7)

9. You have committed absolute blunders while updating your profile. For example: You updated “Cheated in exams” when your professor was in your friend list or you changed your relationship status without informing the girl or boy who is supposed to be the reason of your commitment.

In case you are doing any of the above I would seriously advice you to quit facebooking and help me in making the very important presentation that I am supposed to be working on currently. Don’t call me a freerider. As I already mentioned blogging is a social cause.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Why we should support CWG 2010 despite being “loot-fest”

(For a change, this time no humor is intended. If you find the article funny it is reflective of my poor writing skills so please refrain from commenting)

Chetan Bhagat has called for a revolution. He wants us to boycott the commonwealth games so that we can teach the authorities a lesson. I am sure all the modern day revolutionaries (read as losers, bloggers, MBA’s and engineers) are all fired up and ready to start a candle light march to Jantar Mantar. I would love to view such a path breaking event (You see, I am a blogger and a loser and an MBA + Engineer). Unfortunately, there happens to be an ardent sports fan inside me who is yelling at me to support the games. I decided to listen to him for once and pen down all the reasons to support the games. I can go on my revolutionary path later. –

1. Our(Modern revolutionaries) clones in Mumbai raised their voice for 20 days after 26/11. I was so excited that finally something good is going to happen. My B school friends were discussing politics instead of the usual chit chat about mergers and acquisitions (See, I cannot risk FMS’s rankings by telling the truth here :P). Unfortunately, everything was soon forgotten and in the next general elections Mumbai’s voting percentage was 41%.
Hence these revolutions never work out. So why not trying supporting the games instead?

2. Suresh Kalamadi must have read the article and called up Lalit Bhanot – CWG manager.
SK – Dude, did u read the times of India editorial. I didn’t understand. Is the article against us? What are they boycotting? Should we oppose the article in public?
Mr Bhanot – No, No sir, He is writing about punishing the athletes who keep threatening us to boycott the games.
SK – Ya, damn these tennis players and hockey stars. They just want their salaries. No pride at playing for the nation man. What nonsense!!.
Mr Bhanot – Exactly, when they play in front of empty stands they would learn their lesson. They would realize that nobody really wants them and its only us who love them.
SK – Hmm, so I guess we should support this “revolution”.
Mr Bhanot – Yes sir, I will advice not to say anything. As it is the games are already a success.
SK- Huh? They havent even started. What are u talking about?
Mr Bhanot - Sir, (Sheepish Grin) Look at your bank balance sir. Is there a better return on ivestment offer?
SK - (Sheepish Grin) Oh yeah!!! lol, rofl. Long live revolution, down with money laundering sportstars. (Sheepish Grin again)

Even I feel such materialistic players should be taught a lesson. Playing for the country is the biggest honour. Why ask for money? As it is, they are going to lose to the better trained foreign nationals. So why should I bother to spend my well earned money on losers. But the stupid sports fan inside me says no, I should go out and cheer these poor asses

3. Another reason that forces me not to be part of such a revolution is my mom. She always forces me to clean my room when guests come visiting my home. I am supposed to be at my best behavior and asked specifically not to be my usual self (lol, something they advice us to do at Bschools. Of course she is not an MBA). I simply hate such hypocrisy but have to heed to her advice. And the sports fan inside me tells me to follow the same principle when it comes to the question of my country. Huh, hypocrites I tell you!! :(

For my complete opinion, visit the link http://www.sportskeeda.com/2010/09/04/why-we-should-support-the-cwg-2010-despite-being-%e2%80%9cloot-fest%e2%80%9d/

Friday, August 27, 2010

Ramalinga Raju to join politics – To head Andhra Pradesh operations of the RJD

(Wrote for fakingnews. Published on Sept 04 2010. )

Hyderabad: Ramalinga Raju, Satyam’s tainted ex chairman and prime accused in the multi crore accounting scam has decided to do a career switch and enter active politics. According to news reports, he was approached by various political parties wanting Raju to join their organization. After several offers and day long negotiations with all parties, Raju decided to join the Rashtriya Janta Dal’s Andhra Pradesh wing as the head of operations. “Raju’s joining hands will help our party become a national party. We can finally move out of Bihar. We are sure that under the able leadership of Mr Raju RJD will emerge as a strong contender in the next state elections. His experience of handling a small company like Satyam against giants like TCS and Infosys will come in handy while competing against the big national parties. ”said Sadhu Yadav. “This will help us in improving our image in the eyes of the corporate world. We have always been viewed as an uneducated party but now things will change” beamed RJD Chief Laloo Prasad Yadav. When grilled by the media on how can a criminal be made a member of his party, Laloo Prasad Yadav reiterated that Raju was only an accused and not proven guilty. He said he had full confidence in India’s judiciary and was sure that Mr Raju will come out innocent out of the whole issue. The move is also being viewed as a long term modernization strategy in RJD. It is learnt that Raju will also be the chief strategist in all elections and work behind the scenes along with Pappu Yadav. Freeriding sid talked to Pappu who lamented that before the use of electric voting machines RJD was the best in class when it came to booth capturing. The EVM machines had destroyed RJD’s USP and therefore they had fallen behind Nitish Kumar’s JD(U). We have full faith that Raju can crack the code of the EVM’s and help RJD reestablish their dominance in Bihar.

Although there was some shock in the IT industry, political experts showed no surprise in the development. They said it was an obvious career choice for Mr Raju. His son talked to freeriding sid and was quite enthusiastic about his father’s new career move “He is quite knowledgeable about the laws of the country and was a close associate of all political parties during his Satyam days. What he is used to do covertly, he will do in the open. I am pretty sure he will be successful”

TDP Chief Chandrababu Nadu, who was always known to be a very close friend of the Raju’s showed some disappointment but was said he was happy for his former friend. Nadu addressed the media saying “RJD has made him head of state. TDP could not have offered him the same designation. Although I would have liked to work with such an intellectual but I have no complaints. I wish him the best of luck for a successful political career”

Friday, August 20, 2010

ICC to conduct entrance exam for all international players

Dubai: Irritated by the constant flouting of its rules the ICC has decided to conduct a compulsory entrance exam for all international players. All players, young and old must qualify by clearing this test and only then, will they be made eligible for play in international matches. There have been numerous instances in the past two months were international players have been commissioned to the refree’s room. The recent incident occurred yesterday when Kyle Mills who breached the warm up rule (Rule 17.1)and was suspended for half an hour from bowling. Mills later reported that he was not aware of the rule. Shocked by this, the ICC has decided to start this entrance test. A top ranking ICC official talked to the media - “We want all players to know all the rules and sections by heart so that they maintain discipline and spirit of the game. The test will be a simple way to ensure that no players blame the lawmakers after breaching it later”. The course curriculum for the exam will consist of the following sections –

1. All laws, sections, subsections and the punishments enforced in the ICC rulebook.
2. Abuses in all basic international cricketing languages – English, Australian, Hindi, Urdu, Swahili and Zulu
3. Basic corporate and media etiquettes
4. Guide to the spirit of cricket and integrity – A book written by an ICC panel

The boards of all cricketing nations have reacted differently to ICC’s decision. ACB was happy saying that all their players were already adept at point No 2 and hence it is unlikely that they will face any problem coping with the new law. The PCB is however enraged at the new development and claimed it to be a conspiracy of the west. PCB chief Izaz Butt told fakingnews “We have a different schooling system in Pakistan. At the age of 5, parents of the students decide if they want their sons to become a bureaucrat, terrorist or a cricketer. Only the future bureaucrats are sent to a proper school, terrorists are sent to the JeT academy in PoK and the cricketers are thrown on the streets. How will these cricketers face an exam? They have never been trained to face one. It is clear that the world is threatened by Pakistan’s brilliant performance in the third test. They want to kill our cricket.”

In India , Raj Thackery has threatened the ICC that if such an entrance exam is started, Marathi abuses should also be a taught because most of the Indian cricketers are Maharastrians. Mayawati has already demanded a different cut off for SC and OBC’s in the exam. Freeriding sid contacted Shashank Manohar who was relaxed about the whole issue “The BCCI has already made a committee that will raise our issues with the ICC. I am sure they will either be ready to incorporate these demands or decide to cancel the idea altogether. Because if they don’t we will threaten to sever all ties with the ICC. I am sure they don’t want to get into such a soup.”

It is also being reported that some Indian parents have already started sending their children to various coaching centers who have started claiming that they are well equipped to teach students how to crack this exam too. “We have already employed a few ex umpires, cricketers and commentators in our faculty. Indians would not be facing a problem i.e only if they join our coaching center” said an excited CL Pillai, head of a reputed CAT Coaching center.

Blame it on the laws not randiv

Wrote it for sportskeeda.com and publised on 20 August 2010

Had Suraj Randiv balled that ball in street cricket, we would have called him street smart. Unfortunately for him he was playing international cricket and that too against a team which is to cricket what USA is to the world – a big fat bully. It is indeed ironical that the Indian media is chastising Randiv for doing something at which they are experts themselves - Manipulating the law without technically breaking it. I am not trying to play devil’s advocate by rationalizing Randiv’s actions, but I think the blame for his actions should go somewhere else. The laws of the game were created to please the MCC pensioners and are too archaic for the modern world. The very definition of what is acceptable or ethical behavior has changed. The stakes and emotions are much higher than what used to be and modern players have to keep those in mind before thinking about the spirit of the game. Would you call a batsman walking at a crucial stage of the World Cup final moral and honest? I would say he is cheating his team mates and countrymen by depriving them a chance of winning the greatest honor. If you compare our modern day cricketers to diving footballers, corrupt CWG officials, sensationalizing media they would come across as saints. Even today, cricketers generally display the best of behaviors and spirit of cricket. All of them have silly moments and incidences like Randiv’s are just a one off. I have even seen the Wall, The great Rahul Dravid take a catch on one bounce. He did not claim it but the umpire gave the batsman out as it is and he walked. Technically, Dravid never broke a law. The match was at a crucial stage and I am sure Dravid felt winning a test match for India is more important than his own supreme image. What is cheating for some is patriotic for others. It is responsibility of the law makers to design laws that are easy to understand and commonsensical and let cricketers play cricket without worrying about other things. Some of the laws which I find totally unacceptable are

1.Abolishing the mankeded law –A runner to move out of his crease before the ball is bowled is clearly cheating. Then why was it expected for the bowler not to manked him without warning. I am amazed that we had so few instances of bowler’s mankeding batsmen when it was allowed. Even then, for some reason ICC abolished it giving a license to the batsmen to cheat. We are not far away from a day when batsmen would steal a bye on the last ball of the innings of an ODI with the runner having run half way out even before the ball was bowled.
2.Penalty for running on the pitch –If I was the team’s coach of a side batting first, I will order all my batsmen to run on the pitch and damage it for our bowlers to exploit because never will an umpire dare to penalize 5 runs. All umpires give 2-3 warnings and only threaten the players about the penalty. I have never seen it enforced. A foreign umpire doing it against a sub continental team is even less likely because it will definitely lead to a huge backlash. Shouldn’t the batsman be penalized the way bowlers are, by sending them back to the pavilion.
3.The funniest rule is the one which Suraj Randiv just exploited and is related to the ending of the match. Firstly, the law is very difficult to interpret. According to it, if a team needs only one run to win and if the last ball goes for a four but the batsmen have crossed it will be counted as one run. The assertion here is faulty. When the batsmen crossed, there was still a possibility of the ball being stopped and the batsmen being run out. Hence, “technically” the match should end only when the ball crosses the boundary line and thus the batsman should get 4 runs. Please go and explain it to the ICC
Similarly, what would have happened if Randiv’s ball would have bounced thrice before reaching Sehwag. It would have become a dead ball right. And a dead ball cannot be a no ball, therefore the match should only finish once the ball reaches the batsman. Isn’t it? I neither have the inclination or the time to find out. In case you have, please explain it to me.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Randiv accepts deliberate no ball – blames overkill of Ind – SL cricket

Suraj Randiv, the much maligned Sri Lankan off spinner has accepted that he deliberately balled the no ball which prevented Virender Sehwag from completing his century. It is learnt that Randiv accepted the mistake after he started receiving death threats from some ethnic Indian groups who felt that Randiv had insulted them and wanted to take revenge.

An emotional Suraj Randiv addressed the press conference here in Colombo today and blamed the overkill of India Sri Lanka cricket for the fiasco. He said that he thought that he will create a controversy that would be large enough to create a diplomatic row and force the Indian government to ban India from playing in Sri Lanka. “The Indian parliamentarians are well known for fighting for the cause of the cricketers. They had earlier stopped all work to protest against racism allegations by Andrew Symonds. Before that they had got into a war of words with Greg Chappel. I thought that a similar situation between India Sri Lanka would finally put an end to the series of boring Ind-SL cricket matches” he said.

On being asked why he was so frustrated to play India, Randiv had the following answer “Since I have started playing international cricket I have always played against India. Indian players are world renowned for playing off spin and hence play me easily. I can never manage an IPL contract if Sehwag keeps smashing me for sixes. I desperately want to play the English or the South Africans who I am sure would not even pick my straighter one. Unfortunately, the SL board never organizes any matches against them. I could have easily picked 200 wickets till now.” Many Sri Lankan and Indian players are sympathetic of the view. They also said that they are sick and tired of playing the same team again and again. Not surprisingly, Indian fast bowlers have appealed to the media to stop hassling Randiv as he had a noble intention. Ashish Nehra said “I don’t blame him. It happens to the best of us. Even I am tired of balling on dead tracks. When I see James Anderson balling those balls that swing like a boomerang even I feel that I should get a chance to play in England. Unfortunately the board doesn’t agree. I guess Randiv took it too far but then I can understand, young people make mistakes”
Randiv in his final remarks said that he was ready to accept any punishment that the SL board wants to give him but hoped that he would never have to play India again after this controversy.

Peepli Effect - Khap Panchayat orders its own “Natha” to commit suicide

(Wrote it for fakingnews. Edited version published by them under my pseudo name on Aug 20,2010)

In yet another incident of Khap Panchayat’s tyranny, the panchayat of village Peemproli has ordered one villager Natha Singh Chauhan to commit suicide to help the village in getting the necessary publicity. Inspired by the movie “Peepli Live” the panchayat ordered that Natha should die because it will bring the much needed media and political attention to the village. Village Peemproli, a small village in Harayana is mostly inhabited by Brahmins and has not seen any development in the past 50 years. “We have never been part of any news ever. Our sons are so lame, they are never able to woo any girl let alone one of a different caste. Since we are predominantly a Brahmin village we cannot protest for any reservations and hence no political party ever visits us. None of us are strong enough to become Olympic wrestlers which is the only sport played in the town. Even our kids are so obedient that they never fall in any bore well. When we heard about Peepli Live we understood this is our opportunity to finally get our much wanted fame. Natha must sacrifice for the betterment of the entire kaum.” said a villager. Fakingnews reporter Freeriding sid managed to talk exclusively to Natha Singh who has been absconding since the Panchayat’s decision. He blamed the NGO worker Medha Chatkar for the whole situation. Natha said that Medha who acted as a consultant to the village panchayat had advised them earlier of creating some national level news. It was Medha, Natha alleged who convinced the villagers that for a revolution to take place they have to do something big. Since none of the other villagers can achieve anything of note, he was being made the poor scapegoat. Freeriding sid did interview Medha about this allegation. Unfortunately, the capitalist MBA type sid did not comprehend the communist jargon that Medha threw at him. The American Intel processor in his brain translated the interview as “Blah Blah, blah Blah, Blah Blah Blah.” Fakingnews is trying to decode the transcript and would publish the interview as soon as possible.
Fakingnews entry into the village was greeted with widespread elation in the village because they feel this will lead to mass avalanche of reporters coming to the village akin to the movie. “We have been successful in our efforts. All thanks to fakingnews” was the delighted reaction of the sarpanch of the village.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Pakistan Cricket Board offers peace deal to India – To trade reserve bowlers in exchange for Indian reserve batsmen

After their embarrassing performance in England and a fairly indifferent one by India in Sri Lanka the Pakistan Cricket Board has come with a unique proposal of trading Pakistani reserve bowlers for Indian reserve batsmen. Many people think that it is a last ditch effort by PCB chief Ejaj Butt to save his butt which has come under constant criticism by members of National Assembly over the past one month. Butt told media that we wanted to extend a hand of friendship to our neighbors. “We cant bat and they cant ball. And both us are mad about cricket. It makes a classic case for bilateral trade. Both the teams will become stronger than any other nation. What campaigns like “Aman ki aasha” and foreign ministers failed to do, cricket would do”. Surprisingly, world’s biggest cynic Bishen Singh Bedi also sounded excited about the proposal. Bedi told fakingnews “We in India have not been able to produce a single world class bowler since my retirement and they have not produced a batsman since Miandad. It would be brilliant if we can trade somebody like Sohail Tanveer for surplus batsmen like Rohit Sharma. Infact their situation is so abysmal that they would even accept Sourav Ganguly.”
Even though some fans are super excited, all is not hunky dory about the proposal and faced some opposition. Kamran Akmal declared on twitter that he is going to play in the next test match because the proposal does not cover wicket keepers although he is worried about his brother Umar’s future. Some like Shahid Afridi rubbished reports that Pakistan’s batting was pathetic. He said “We did not lose because our batsmans are bad. Our batsmans are good batsmans. They lost because English tampered with their balls. They always tamper with their balls but I was suspended for just putting the ball into my mouth. It was just because of racism”. There was no response from the Indian Board because they were too busy dealing with more important matters related to the IPL and ICC. Sharad Pawar refused to make any comment on an issue which he thought was of national importance and too trivial for the ICC president who only deals with international issues. There were few unconfirmed reports of Shiv Sena supporters beating up a few cricket fans in Mumbai. These fans were discussing the PCB proposal which was deemed anti national by the sainiks and hence they decided to teach the miscreants a lesson.
The proposal has certainly brought good news to old forgotten cricket players from both the nations who can now be seen leading emotional debates on all leading news channels across both nations.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Modi and Kalmadi join hands – To start their own Olympic league

(Published by fakingnews under my pseudo name "freeriding sid". Had to write this because i got some hate mails accusing me of plagiaism....lol)

Shocked by the jolt of the rejected Asian Games 2019 bid, Suresh Kalmadi announced today that he is joining forces with the much maligned former IPL commissioner Lalit Modi to form a company named as Rendenzvous sports club. The company aims at starting parallel Olympic games and hosting it in India. “The similarity amongst the both of us is uncanny. We both are men of great vision and sporting passion. Our synergies were clearly visible. We getting together was just a natural phenomenon” said an elated Lalit Modi after the announcement. It is learnt that both were in constant touch after the end of IPL3 and decided to launch the venture when they fully understood that it was in no way possible to have Olympic Games in India without such a rebellion. The first edition of the games will be held in February 2012 clashing with the dates of the IPL in order to start a direct war against cricket. Many sporting icons of other sports welcomed this idea because they think it will challenge the hegemony of cricket in India. The locations and stars that will be performing in the opening and closing ceremony have already been decided. The ceremonies will see top performers from the Bollywood and the Hollywood film industries dancing together. It promises to be an event like never before and would bring loads of foreign exchange in the country. “If people thought IPL was big, they are in for a surprise” said Mr Sharad Pawar who clearly expressed that he has no stake in the company but was only giving outside support. “We have already signed up sponsorship deals worth 500 Crore. If IPL had deepika, we will have Angelina Jolie. If IPL had one bling, we will have 5 blings. Everything will be just bigger and better” said an elated sponsor who had unsuccessfully bid for an IPL team last year. Suresh Kalmadi could not be contacted but his secretary responded to the query on his role in the company - Mr Kalmadi has eons of experience in running non cricketing sports. There is no better sports administrator than him in the entire country because nobody under the age of 60 has been involved in that role. So who better than him to rule the roost?

There are rumours that some other experienced sports administrators like Praful Patel, Priyanjan Das Munshi and VK Malhotra would be on the board of the company.
“Its time to challenge the domination of the IOA and IOC who have always deprived Indians of viewing a world class event. If we cannot get it, we will create it. All the important preparations have already been done. Only the final issue of deciding on the games and venues to be played in the games is to be decided. ” said Lalit Modi in a press conference to the media.

PS: Needless to say the above was a figment of my imagination :P

Friday, July 30, 2010

The different styles of sleeping – During a presentation

Uptill this point all my posts on freeriding were based on my experiences at FMS, but now my scope is wider and the future posts would be inspired (read copy pasted) from the entire gamut – IIM A,B, C, XL (Sorry but i dare not think beyond ****) etc. I would like to thank my esteemed company for giving me this unique opportunity to continue my research on freeriding while being at the job. They have ensured that the cut throat corporate life would not stop me from completing my PHD on the topic.
Anyways coming to the latest gyaan issue –

All of us have to suffer the enormous task of sitting through 1000 boring ppts one after the another. Somehow by design or by luck most of these ppts are following a super lavish company sponsored lunch at a fine dining location. How then can we – hard(ly) working MBA’s not stop ourselves from sleeping around (I apologize for the intentional grammatical error). We all know its downright rude to sleep in a ppt, afterall what goes around comes around. And we MBA’s are everything but rude.
After talking to a lot of senior and experienced people I realized that the ppts are held to train us in the art of sleeping without being noticed. I have learnt a few techniques which I would love to share with all of you.

1. The most commonly used technique by smart alec’s is the one where they complain they are unable to view the ppt because a strategically located electric bulb is shining on the screen. Invariably this bulb is located right above the smart alec’s head and he promptly requests someone to switch it off. This puts the subject in the dark and hence he can sleep peacefully thereafter in the entire show. However, this technique is really old and smart MBA speakers of the last century do not fall for it.

2. The nodder – These super smart people have the unique talent of nodding after every bout of sleep. Each time they fall down from their sleep they nod heavily with some grunts like “ya” and “yes yes” to pretend that they are actually listening with attention. This pleases the speaker because he is fooled to believe that people are following him.

3. The Manoj Kumar way (Thinking pose) – This is I think the most stylish way to sleep inside a ppt hall. You hide your eyes and give an expression as if you are engrossed in deep thinking. The speaker would feel you are really impressed by his idea and doing some serious analysis of the issue being discussed.

4. If you are not really bothered by aesthetics, you can use the way I very successfully use. Keep your spectacles really dirty and keep them so low that the border of the spects is in direct eye line from the speaker. This will ensure your speaker is unable to look at your eyes directly.

5. The most diehard way that I found in the research was that followed by one of my batchmates in FMS. He used to sleep in the entire ppt, wake up, ask a question and then go off to sleep again. Initially, I was amazed at the dare devilry but later realized it is a technique which only a super smart ass MBA can follow. There are a few generic questions you can ask in every god damn ppt whatever the ppt may be. For example – “What are your future plans”, “How do you plan to expand the current business opportunities”, “Are you looking for diversification in your business”

After thinking long and hard, I realized that although the above 5 techniques are good but they only cater to the stated objective of not getting caught sleeping inside a ppt hall. The best technique must do something extra (just the way our company wants us to be. Afterall we are from premier ******). And then I discovered this legendary technique where the subject not only manages to evade getting caught, he actually impresses the speaker into believing that the subject is THE most diligent and hard working subjects of all. So here it goes –

Remember to take a notepad and a pen(even one which is not working) with you to the lecture hall. Now as soon as the speaker starts talking start scribbling(or just pretend to scribble). Very soon you will fall to sleep but your position would be such that the speaker will feel that you are making notes of all the points. He will never bother to ask you any questions and rate you as the best amongst the entire lot because trust me you will be the only one even attempting to write down anything in the entire hall.

PS: All the above techniques are pretty to safe to use(Tried and tested by experts) until my blog becomes super popular which is pretty safe to assume is not a short term phenomenon.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sensational revelation: Mahut accepts the marathon match was fixed

In a sensational revelation, Nicolos Mahut has accepted that the marathon match was staged by the two players in order to attain fame and immortality. After being interrogated for nearly 3 hours by the London police, a very emotional Mahut broke down and accepted the crime. He said “I am a bloody court no 18 player. A court number 18 player lives at court no 18 and dies at court no 18”. He almost broke down saying “I have been a professional for 10 years now and nobody knows me. I come here, win one or two matches at outside courts and nobody sees. Then sometimes they throw me against Federer, Nadal or roddick on center court and everybody marvels at my haplessness”. While coming to Wimbledon, my 5 year old kid wished me “Dad! I hope you atleast win one match this time”. I was absolutely shattered to hear this and when I learnt that John Isner my good outside court friend was my opponent I devised this plan. I told Isner that we could become legends: greater than Federer or Roddick and he acquiesced. He agreed on the condition that I would ultimately let him win.

The British Police reported that the investigation was done because of allegations made by an unknown Pakistani cricketer Rashid Latif, who is an absolute expert on match fixing in sports. “I saw the match on television and immediately had the feeling this is not right. How can they hit so many aces in the 5th set? After having investigated match fixing for the past 15 years in cricket, it didn’t take me long to understand the conspiracy. I immediately called my friend Danish Kaneria, who has good contacts with the British police and they reacted instantly.” Latif said.

A visibly triumphant Latif who could be nominated for an OBE said in a press conference “ I played the game in a certain way. I walked every time I got out, never appealed unnecessarily and always played within the spirit of the game. I want to see all sports being run the same way. I would treat this as a very small victory. I am not going to keep quiet until all sports are set free from corruption. I hope they start respecting me more in my own country after this episode.”

PS: The post is obviously a work of fiction :-)

Friday, June 18, 2010

10 Reasons to support the English Football team

England reached a new nadir yesterday. But still I feel it’s a smart idea to support them. Here are a few top reasons why we should continue to support England at the WC –

1. If they win, you are entertained. If they lose, the british media ensures that you are super entertained.

2. If you watch their matches as a neutral, you will get so bored that you will doze off. Hence better support the three lions.

3. Watch the English team very closely. Their resemblance to the Indian cricket team is uncanny. Highly paid non performing superstars. Infact there are quite a few man to man parallels. For every Wayne Rooney we have Yuvraj Singh (angry young men), For every Frank Lampard we have Suresh Raina (Brilliant in the local league, pussycats abroad), For every Robert Green we have Ravindra Jadeja (Poor single error scape goats), For every Wayne bridge we have …(Well there are some differences of course) but I am sure Virat Kohli will suffer a similar fate.

4. The parallels don’t end here. Football is not the national sport of England, just like cricket is not the national sport of India. The people though are as madly in love with football and hence are equally tormented after some defeat. Thus we should have sympathy for the English players. Actually the English Football team is a fair reflection of the Indian cricket team in 100 years time when even the IPL will hardly have any Indian players playing.

5. When you look at Emile Heskey, you realize no matter how pathetic you have been throughout the year, no matter even if your local club doesn’t consider you good enough for a start, there is always someone somewhere who loves you and respects you. In heskey’s case, it is Capello.

6. No matter which side you support, goal keeping errors are always fun to watch and become a part of history. Some stupid game show might run a quiz years later asking you what happened next. Thus you can win some realy bounty in 10 years time, thanks to Robert Green, David James and Paul Robinson.

7. Watching them Chelsea fans would realize Rooney does not have such a great first touch, Man U fans would realize Lampard misses more shots than he scores, Arsenal fans realize Lennon should be sprinter instead of a footballer, Liverpool fans would find out that there are no evertonians in the entire squad. Classic case of finding out that grass was greener when you were on the other side. These points will give you bragging points in the most important EPL battle next year.

PS: Loyal fans cannot find out mistakes in their own players. I still find lampard and terry are playing at their best ever.

8. Even if they lose every match, each match is a story of David Vs Goliath, giant killing action. Such stories are always exciting to know. It inspires us and fills us with a dream that one day even the Indian football team will beat the English.

9. There are loads of cute, pretty blondes crying in the crowd. Just in case you happen to be on the ground you might want to lend a shoulder. For girls, you can see David Beckham cry.

10. Perhaps the most important lesson you learn watching the English team is philosophical in nature. Higher wages don’t necessarily produce winning results. This gives the HR a new excuse to start a new team building campaign crap which would mean a paid holiday for the entire office is just around the corner.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Cluttered ppt is an awesome ppt

We all have heard from our managers (lecturers) the idea to make a good presentation is to keep it simple clean and in bullet points. In MBA jargon, all bullet points no gas. However, the above is only true if you had no other work and hence prepared in extensive detail. But, modern hip-hop MBA’s like us don’t have time to spend on intricate details. And hence the small bullet point presentations are useless.

The art of making a great ppt lies in impressing upon the audience that you have greater knowledge of the subject that is being discussed. For this absolute knowledge about the audience is of paramount importance. Your senior manager (or lecturer) is generally a workaholic, sleep deprived, sex deprived gentleman with a weak eyesight. It’s important to exploit all the above weaknesses to create a classy presentation designed to kill. There is no greater presenter than one who can put his evaluator to sleep. Since all these evaluators are themselves hot shot MBA’s with largely inflated ego’s, nobody would ever accept the fact that he slept and hence would have no option but to appreciate the presentation. Here are few brilliant insights on how to become a great presenter–

1. If you are a pretty girl or your group has one, start with a deliberate technical glitch which looks genuine. For example taking a random.swf file to a place where you are absolutely sure that no flash player is in sight. The teary eyed female would arouse sympathy. The sympathy would immediately turn to appreciation when you bring to notice that you had the brilliant foresight and had kept a somewhat cruder ppt form ready. This way you will create an initial impression even before starting.
PS : In case you are ugly fat male, do not even try this stunt. You would arouse extreme anger instead of sympathy and your presentation is ruined at the first instance

2. Take a note pad with you. The notepad would basically have gibberish but it should seem you have made presentation notes based on some brilliant research. Insist that the light be kept open so that you can read it out. This would mean that your workaholic boss with a weak eyesight would not be able to read your presentation.

3. Make the first slide as cluttered as possible. Put all kinds of smart art, weird figures, random charts copy pasted. Refer all of the material. Curve arrows going from top to bottom work best to confuse the tired mind of the evaluator and would put him off to sleep. Random charts that are copy pasted should be barely visible from the place where the evaluator is sitting.

4. The second slide should only have figures. You can copy paste the balance sheet of the biggest company which is remotely associated with your topic. If you are the king of the freeriders, you can also put random data like CIP = 100% which is loosely interpreted as Chutiaps in this presentation is equal to 100%. Nobody would ask you to explain such data so chill.

5. All the evaluators were born in the time of Shakespeare and hence are unaware of the latest colloquials and language. Throw in as many such terms as possible. Here, your daily viewing of HIMHM, Friends, Prison break, BBT would help. For example, in a class ppt a dialogue like “ According to the great Barney Stinson, Lorenzo Van matthean is the most awesome” would drive your classmates to splits. Your professor who would have no idea who Barney Stinson is, would give a sheepish smile assuming Stinson to be some modern day philosopher, physicist etc. He would act casual and wont dare to ask who is being referred to. Other quotable characters are Sheldon cooper of BBT and Joey of Friends. Football Fans can try geeky names like Bixente Lizarazu, Ole Gunner Soljskaer or Van goner hasselink.

6. Never ever mention any word that is remotely linked to the subject expertise of the evaluator. These sex deprived workaholic’s only get orgasms after listening to such things and would rape you within the next two minutes.

7. Keep a stop watch to repeat the following lines religiously after every 90 seconds –
• For Marketing ppts – “Providing customer value is the most important. Customer is the king”
• For Finance ppts – “Providing shareholder value is the most important. Shareholder is the king”
• For Consulting ppts – “We did a thorough analysis. Consultant is the king. ”
• For HR ppts – “Providing people value is the most important. People are the king”

8. Give 3-4 random solutions to the problem that was given. Since we are awesome MBA’s, these solutions would come straight to your mind when you hear the problem. Dedicate the next two months(entire duration of the project) to justify these solutions. Find out (google) exactly the same number of advantages and disadvantages to all. No less no more. In case, your audience was not confused before it will be now.

After sufficiently confusing the audience, open the forum for questions. Only one question would arise “So what is your final recommendation”. Pick any one, state its advantage and then say but in case (Now return to point 8 and get into an infinite loop). Finish it by picking the one which would have the following characteristics –
1. In case you are a sales guy, you will get the sale
2. In case you are a consult, your company will be hired
3. In case you are a fin guy, the least amount of work will be given to you.
4. In case you are an HR guy, the solution which results in your increase of salary should be chosen

This my dear friends will make you an awesome presenter.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Tips to survive the Sena, MNS and Mumbai (Only for Delhites)

My Bschool life is over (hopefully) and I have decided to move on to some mature(read serious) writings from here on. Naah, just kidding!!

I will have to move to Mumbai, and considering my long held apprehensions of living in any city outside Delhi my next few entries might be dominated by the considerable switch that is going to happen in my life soon. Many of my friends from Delhi also have to shift to Mumbai and I thought being a Maharastrian who has lived 24 years of his life in Delhi I can give a lot of gyaan on the Do’s and Dont’s. Also there is the growing threat of MNS and Shiv Sena which is really threatening my North Indian friends. So here are a few pieces of advice from the great one to all my unfortunate friends who will have to live in the so called financial capital of the country.

1. Never attend a Maharastrian wedding. They are devoid of any music, DJ, Paneer, Ice cream and of course no drinks or chicken (I am very proud of the last two). You will be served a lavish meal of "Khichdi" in the lunch hours so that you are well prepared for the sumptuous dinner where the sweet dish is rasgulla. The only difference is that the rasgulla is missing. Yes right, it’s just the gravy (or whatever it is called). They call it Sudharas. Trust me; even we maharastrians are not very proud of it.

2. It is considered impolite to refer to people’s sisters and mothers in a casual conversation. I am obviously referring to the Bc and Mc’s we use so casually in any conversation. You are not supposed to start a conversation with the usual "Aur C****!! Kya haal hai". Even your local friends will take offence.

3. It’s ok to ask address or time to any by standing girl. She would not freak out or assume it to be creepy. If she tells you the address with a smile on her face, don’t get any foolish ideas. It does not mean she is interested. Also it is perfectly normal for single girls to be roaming outside at 10 -11 PM in the night. Don’t assume them to be ……(you know what).

4. Never address a stranger as “Bhaiyya”. Address an elder person as “Kaka” and others as “Dada”. Yes the same dada they use in Kolkata.
This one requires the maximum practice for a Delhite.

5. Maharastrians would not understand the difference between a Punjabi and a Sardar. Don’t try to explain it to them. It is exactly similar to explaining a North Indian the difference between a Tamil and a Telugu.

6. Marathi is derived from Sanskrit and is written in the same script as Hindi. It is thus much closer to Hindi than Punjabi. Therefore, Maharastrians pronunciations of Hindi words is much more refined and correct. No matter how strong your beliefs that the North Indian punjabinised versions like (Virender, Surender, Narender) are the right way to be pronounced, it is the Maharastrian version (Virendra, Surendra, Narendra) which is right one. So think very hard before you make fun of somebody’s pronunciation.

7. You can kiss goodbye to driving at speeds of above 60KmPH or enjoying a walk on an avenue. Mumbai does not have any roads wide enough to support any such leisure activities.

8. Mumbai local is a place where you can forget all the politeness and courteousness and be what we people are best at. Behaviour wise people are at their worst here. Also leaving your handkerchief on a seat means it becomes your seat. Don’t try to mess up with anybody and accept the rule.

9. Dadar is the headquarters of Shiv Sena. I know how strongly we feel about issues related to nationality and regional biases but it is perfectly advisable to reserve your opinion to yourself at this place. Obviously, it’s a different matter if you want to be a martyr or an India TV Case Study for a day.

10. If a taxi wallah tells you that he will charge by the meter, don’t be suspicious. In Mumbai, taxi and auto meters work perfectly fine and are not tampered with. To get into a taxi, you would have to stand in a line. Yes its correct, a line. And there would be no security guard to maintain the line but yet you have to follow it. It is not macho to break a line and girly to stand in one.

11. Mumbaikar’s favourite pastime is to malign Delhi for absolutely everything. Let them have their fun because they don’t know what they are doing. Also, its better to keep quite in an alien city. But yes, if they criticize the Metro please be a proud Delhite and give it back to them

12. Abhijeet Sawant, Vaishali Samant and Avdhoot Gupte are more popular singers than Daler Mehendi etc etc (I used etc because even I cannot remember any other Punjabi singer). And nobody would know who Gurdas Maan is.

13. There is always a young teenager in the Mumbai cricket team who everybody believes would be the next Sachin Tendulkar. It hasn’t happened in the past 15 years and is not going to happen ever. But respect the opinion. Sachin is GOD in the entire country and cricket is a religion. However in Mumbai, the frenzy is at another level. The madness is incomparable to anything else. Even if you reach here as a cricket virgin, you will become cricket crazy in two months flat.

14. Despite all the advice I give, in case MNS takes your case and beats you up and I am standing next to you - Don’t expect any help because we Maharastrians are normally very peaceful people and I would not like to get my hands dirty. I would just say I told you so:-)

15. Read Shantaram. It is a much better guide than this blog.

PS: I know 3-4 years down the line, Point number 1 is going to give me a lot of trouble. So I apologize to whomsoever it may concern right here right now.

PS2: The above was written based on only 2 months of internship experience. So expect large number of updates once I actually land up in the maximum city.

PS3: I have decided I am going to like Mumbai :-)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Why I love the IPL!!!!

After writing a few posts on MBA and student life, I am back to writing about the topic I love most – Cricket. I have read a large number of cartoons and blogs belittling the IPL and its overboard spending. Although sometimes even I feel that I am watching very little cricket in between all the adds but yet I love the IPL for various reasons that I wish to present here. You are entitled to your own opinion, but as I always say this is my space and I can write whatever I want to –

1 Purists say it will kill Test Cricket. I feel it is akin to makers of Rolls Royce being worried about Tata Nano’s launch. As any marketing student would tell you, Nike is never worried about counterfeits because a person buying a counterfeit will never buy an original. Similarly, a person who just loves the slam bam and glamour of TT cricket would never appreciate Rahul Dravid’s defense. Infact, TT would help in separating the masses from the classes. I personally absolutely hate watching cricket with ignorant experts who feel that chasing 400 in a test match on a last day is a walk in the park because you require only 4 RPO. Its great for the game if such people stay away from Test cricket. The biggest success of the IPL is that it has brought new viewers to the game. Thus it is only increasing the reach of the game we all love. Test cricket will stay, supported only by those who really understand the game and want to see a battle between bat and ball and not just boom boom afridi.

2. I love the IPL for the sake of the Rajat Bhatia’s & Mithun Manhas’s of the world. These are players who have toiled for years in the Indian domestic circuit playing in spite of empty stands, immense heat and dirty politics in return of no recognition and very little money. Probably, its only the love of the game, passion and a hope that drives them. Hope of recognition and success. Some people would argue that these players are unsuccessful and hence do not deserve this recognition. Considering that every young boy born in India after 1983 has atleast once in his life dreamt of becoming a cricket player and only a handful of them are lucky enough to play in the domestic circuit, these players are super successful. If cricket was like a CAT exam, they would be in the high 99.9 percentile zone. They surely deserved more credit than they used to get. For the sake of those players who have given it all in the domestic scene but are not able to make it to the international level because of luck or little lack of talent I love the IPL.

3. The earliest memory I have of cricket is England’s Tour of India in 1993 famous for a double hundred scored by a certain Vinod Kambli. The English wicketkeeper on that tour was some guy called blackey, because the main wicket keeper Alec Stewart simply refused to tour India. It was a norm during those days. Loads of English players had refused earlier tours either feigning injuries or citing personal reasons. These were the pre terrorism days and security was not an issue. Its amazing to think that the same country’s team decided to continue with the tour after one of the worst terrorist attacks in the world hit India. Quite obviously it was in the name of “WORLD PEACE”

And its not only the English. Australia’s great ambassador of peace who wants to resolve the racist attacks in Australia, ordered specially made food from Australia as late as the 98 tour. A well known joke running during those times was that Australians suffer from food poisoning just after hearing that the food that they were served was washed in tap water.

I am sure the same process is still followed. But suddenly, India is the place to play cricket. It is the center of the world. They say its because of the passion and the crowd support. Its baloney!! Indian crowds were as passionate in 80’s or the 90’s. Only one thing has changed and we all know what it is and i love the IPL for bringing out the splurge in the open and attracting the materialistic foreigners to my country.

4. Richie Benaud in an interview quoted a young Australian batsman whose ultimate dream was to play in the IPL. He did not mention the baggie green. He wanted to play the IPL. Sign of the future perhaps!!
Because it sells million dollar dreams to many young cricketers around the world and particularly in India, I love the IPL.

5. Some boards feel that it will destroy the game in other countries because the boards don’t have enough money to keep their players and they would go into retirement to play in the IPL. Why should India be worried about the same. All the other Indian sports have suffered because of the exact same reason, and it is not India’s prerogative to look after other boards and their concerns. We are a nation that is large enough and strong enough to run our own sport, even if others suddenly stop playing. If baseball can have a world series played in a single country, cricket can also have an all powerful league.

India has ruled the game of cricket for the past ten years and IPL is just a show of strength. Unfortunately, our team has not been the best in the world and hence we needed another kind of reminder to the world that it is India who rules the game. I know the views are slightly strong but I just love the IPL – not necessarily for the cricket (because I am a purist :-)) but for what it represents.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Batch 2010 Oscars

The post is dedicated to the batch of 2010 FMS MBA.

I have met some truly crazy and bizzare people at FMS. It was only apt to dedicate them some space in my blog. So before media team steals my thunder i decided to come up with my own list of OSCARS for the most popular people of the batch.The jury for these awards is Team BountyHunters - Siddhesh Agashe & Dhruv Anand

MSA will sponsor the prizes and please contact fin secy for further details.

1. Abhishek Sudhakar - Mithun Chakravarty GUNDA award for Best Comic performance in a tragic role
For his amazing, unintentional humor in SOP box which drove us crazy

2. Suman Ubriani - Nirupa Roy award for the best Dukhiyari Nari - Of course, all thanks to Amit tyaagi

3. Kumar Jayant - Shakti Kapoor award for the biggest Flirt

4. Manish Kumar - Google award for Most humorous status messages - And also proving the fact - Status messages dont reveal the true identity of the person

5. Nidhi Kaicker - Best Background music - For constant "che che che" that can drive the most patient people crazy.

6. Amit Kumar - Best actor - For his amazing monologue that established the BABA clan

7. 59 - Lifetime achievement award for constant....ah, i dont know what

8. Arup kumar Das - Appam Chutia award for irritating everyone he came across atleast once.

9. Malavika Adkoli - Sportswoman of the year - For becoming the first player in history to break a leg after being hit by a ping pong ball

10. Sannata Wing - Manoj Kumar's tragedy king award

11. Aditya Maheswari - Barrack Obama award for the best speech ever - Conclub conclave

12. Myself, Arkesh and Dhruv - Best art direction - Vaibhav batra's placement pic

13. Vaibhav Batra - Upcoming model award - Refer Brand Man students for details

14. Chussu, Chooha and Ghissu - Self Destruct spammers award

15. Sutta Chicks - Best Cheerleader's award - Had the spanish team heard it, India would have surely won.

16. Kusha Goyal - UNICEF award for social service - Her anorexia has ensured atleast 2 children less would die of hunger.

17. Ronak Marolia - 100% attendance best student award

18. Siddharth Singh - Best part time student in the MBA full time course

19. Sougata Roy - Best Guest Appearance award

20. Chimni - Environmental conservation award for producing most amount of natural GAS

21. Yatindra Vijavargiya - Pnkj Sinha award for arbit bakwaas. "Qyun aaya forbidden District"

22. Gyanendra Prasad & Amit Kumar - The Airtel guy award for ensuring Airtel's balance sheet stays green

23. Deepak Joshi - HVV Award for Biggest Tharki where HVV stands for you know what

24. Mondal - Lord of the pings award for achievement in noble art of spamming

25. Alisson Perriera - Baba Ramdev Award for best hand exercises award

26. Sushil Pasricha - Fair and lovely Best expression award

27. Sobhanjeet Rath - Best dancer award for Kauua dance

28. Rajat Sagar and DCB - Best action couple award

29. Gaurav Sharma - Bal Brahmachari award for accepting the molestation

30. Gaurav Mittal - Prateek Mathur award for Best smile

31 Prabin Sapkota - Interjector of the Year for asking the most pertinent out of the box questions - Case in point - I did not get high question in the culsoc MSA review.

32. Arkesh Ajay - Roadies Survivor of the year - For surviving against all odds read juniors

33. Nitin Goel - FMS Peace award

34. Anurag Binani - BC Teachers choice award for Best Groomed student

35. Frinson Francis - Best Costume for the famous orange jacket

36. Mansi Prasad - Female Spammer of the year - Yaa, no competition unfair award

37. Aditya Agarwal - Jimmy Choo Superhero of the year

38. Divyanshu Dixit - Freerider of the year award - Was really difficult one to give, but since we tried to have a one award per person policy we had to give it to a person wit absolute no other talent

39. Puja Kasat- Agony aunt of the year -- Another zero competition give away.

40. Navneet 60 - Pareshan Pati award for constant constipation

41. Peeyush Anand - Sunny Deol Award for Best Acting in an emotional role

42 Sabyasachi Ghosh - Dev anand's "Abhi to mai jawaan hu" Award for senior citizens

43 Chetan Agarwal - Satyam Computer Services' Ethical person of the year

44 Kohin Roy - Transformation of the year - From Chillsoc corner to the corner room

45 Sandeep Kannan - MCD's Water conservation award for saving a bucket of water every day

46 Mufeed - Viagara's Super energetic dude award

47 Madhukar Kumar Jha - Brander of the year for conceptualizing Lizard lipsticks

48 Shreekar Sudarshan - Chatur ramalingam award for biggest ghissu male

49 Priyanka Garg - Priyanka Garg award for the biggest ghissu female - Creating her own category

50 Harsh Raj Kumar - Dharmendra award for Best drunk performance

51 Tyagi, Abir,Parvati, Suman and Sachdev - Red and White bravery Award

52 Vaibhav Anand - Simpsons Funny guy of the year - Remember Vihaan's Induction week event

53 Kriti Gupta - ML Singlas Punctual Student of the year - For being super consistent to enter class at 9:30

54 Aditi Gupta - Rs 75/month scholarship for a year under the Sonia Gandhi garib peedit unemployed mahila pariyojna

55 Karan Sehgal - Arvind Narshiman Samoohik balatkar award

56 Neha Sharma - Doubt of the year -- Do ecell students sit for placements?? -- Credits Puja for reminding

57 Vidhi Srivastava - Kiran Mam's useless gyaanbaazi award

58 Ananta Agarwal - Pappu electronics Technician of the year

59 Neetu Mathew - Fake accent of the year. Honestly Kusha wins this hands down but we have strict policies, one individual award per person.

60 Sonam Madan - Anupama Vohra's Ideal bahu award

61 Peeyush hemnani - Junior Batch's Universal Bhaiyya of the year

62 Vaibhav Puri - Dhruv da dhaba Waiter of the year

63 Shrida Joshi - Gujarat and Nort East governments National Integration award

64 Ravi Sattawan - Excuse of the year - Sir, i am going to rural villages for dissertation. Please grant me exemption.

65 Rahul Bhatt - Shammi kapoor Head banging award............Credits: Manish Kumar

66 Dhruv Anand - Dara Singh Muscle Man of the year

67 Da and DCB - Tarun Tejpal whistle blower award............Credits: Manish Kumar

68 Simrinder - Akshay Kumar award for the best female in action role.........Credits: Nidhi Kaicker

69 Rohit Jhangiani - Madu Vij's fastest ever dating award -- Remember first ever class

70 Dharam Vir -- Mallika Sherawat most slutty performance award -- Remember Induction week........Credits: Nidhi Kaicker

71 Shivani Singh - VK Bhalla's The undercover economist award-- She is an economics honours, even i didnt know before today.......Credits: Nidhi Kaicker

72 Chavi Singhal - Sabyasachi award for coining the most misused term in FMS - Bestest CR.......Credits: Nidhi Kaicker

73 Ved Agarwal - shahnaaz hussain Pony Tail of the year...............Credits : Deepak Joshi

74 Kunal Choudhary- Kumbhakaran of the year.......Credits: Deepak Joshi

75 Abhinav Chugh - Citibank "Mai bhi hoon" Award.........Credits: Nidhi Kaicker

76 Distressed Student - Arkesh Ajay's "Thank you for not mailing" Gratitude award

In case you have not made it to the elite list, dont worry the jury is highly immoral and open to changing the list depending on the incentives offered. As it is, the list is hurriedly compiled and some jewels are still missing. We will try to accommodate them asap. You are of course allowed to nominate yourself.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

P&G thanks HUL for free publicity

The recent RIN advertisement has certainly created a buzz in the country. A research conducted by a marketing research firm ABCL confirmed that the ad was the most discussed topic on Holi. Useless blogger communities are back in business – putting in posts analyzing the ad and its impact on masses. Some communist writers are of the opinion that such ads are a result of the growing Americanization of India and should be banned immediately. Opposition parties are also planning to stage a walk out over the issue.

However, when reporters of various sensational Hindi news channels contacted P&G for some angry reactions, they were in for a surprise. P&G officials are extremely excited by the latest developments. They are elated because for the first time HUL has recognized P&G as a threat. This is in recognition of all the efforts that we have put over the past few years said a P&G employee. Nirma and Ghadi are two of the biggest detergent brands in India and always considered as a potential threat to HUL domination. Despite P&G’s efforts, Ariel and Tide have always been laggards bought only by people having a fascination for buying phoren goods. One junior P&G manager told us ‘’We were taught Nirma case study in Bschool. Nobody talked about Tide or Ariel. Now they would teach Tide vs Rin at my alma mater. I might be invited for some fruitful discussions. Having received a lot of attitude from industry experts during my placecom days it will be my chance to throw some back. Thank you HUL. “

Another employee gleaming with joy reasoned “My girlfriend’s dad thought I worked for some gambling casino. I can now proudly tell him, I sell Tide. “

Marketing experts believe that the main reason for Proctor’s excitement is because of the fact that they could have never matched HUL’s advertising expenses. And now they have got some free advertising. With prime time rates sky high in the holiday season, there is nothing better than your rival advertising for you.

This is surely a time to rejoice and merry making for Proctor and Gamble employees.

PS: The credits of this post to my boredom at FMS and ankur kalra, the P&G employee talked about.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Afridi pledges to take revenge on Sachin

Ok, This one is inspired by fakingnews. My dedication to the great

Pakistan's dashing all rounder Shahid Afridi has pledged that he will take revenge from Sachin Tendulkar. Afridi believes that Sachin's record breaking 200 not out was an insult to Pakistan because it broke Saeed anwar's long standing record and its a matter of pride for the nation. Afridi believes that it is no big deal to score a double hundred in one dayers and he can do it in double quick time. He was supported by Javed Miandad, the former Pakistan coach - " Afridi once scored a 100 in 37 balls. (After doing some tuff mental calculations)So he needs a mere 64 deliveries to complete 200. Its only a small matter of him surviving that long" Afridi, who has been 26 years of age for the past 6 years definitely has age on his side. Rashid Latif, another former Pakistan captain reasoned " The boy has atleast 20 years of cricket left in him, he can surely break the record". Last heard the Pakistani defence minister has issued a warning to all Pakistani players that they should break the record within the next year otherwise their salaries will be cut. Yasir Arafat, a young cricketer said "Thats great news, that atleast means we will be getting our salaries"

Tony Grieg, disagreeing to the above comments has said that it will be a Sri Lankan who will break the record. Geoffery Boycott, who had once famously commented that it would be impossible for anybody to get 100 in one day cricket was not available for any comment. However, his Facebook status message read "Missing the days of West Indian fast bowlers"

Ricky Ponting congratulated Sachin on his achievement but was quick to comment that an australian will never score a double hundred in a ODI because they always put the team first. Ricky debated that if a player scores such records it makes the other players in the team jealous and hence hampers the unity of the team. Infact, he has issued a diktat to all aussies to retire hurt after scoring 180. He says that only the captain deserves the right to create records because his integrity cannot be questioned and he is a man of principles.

Also reported, Zimbabwe board was trying to call Afghanistan, Kenya and Bermuda teams for a tour in a feeble attempt to restore the only record held by a zimbabwean. "Chris Coventry is a great player who is extremely underrated. We want to prove that he is as good as Brian Lara and we would go all lengths to ensure that like Lara, Coventry also regains the record which he richly deserves" ZCU president Lualua said in press conference.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The guide to become the ultimate free rider

Having almost completed my super successful MBA, I have decided to do what every good senior does. Pass on the gyaan. Unfortunately, with an expertise of lazying around and free riding I don’t really have any gyaan to pass on. So I have decided to pass on the knowledge in which I have complete expertise – FREERIDING. This blog will be beneficial to people who cannot delegate work properly and unfortunately end up doing almost all work themselves. I hope it changes a few lives.

About the Author
It is very important to establish the credentials of the author before following any such gyaan capsules. So here are a few facts establishing the authenticity of the post.
The author was one of the founding members of the Chillsoc society at FMS. He is the self proclaimed president of SPAMSOC. He has 2 years of extensive experience of working along with the most shameless, faceless, useless free riders at FMS. Before FMS, author received training for 4 years in the hinterlands of bawana, a place notorious for producing the best people in this business.

Few Facts of freeriding
1. Since you have managed to find time to read this, you have the basic ingredients of being a good free rider.
2. Remember great freeriders are never accused of being a free rider. If somebody starts accusing you of being one, eventually your luck will run out and you would have to start working.
3. Whenever you get a chance accuse others of freeriding. This creates a false impression that you are working hard.
4. Free riders need to have great interpersonal skills and brilliant communications skills. It also completely kills their ego. So don’t be embarrassed – Freeriding helps you in improving your personality.
5. Trust your teammates. This is the most important ingredient in forming any team. Trust them to do good quality work which would ensure good internal marks even for you. Without trust you will have the unnecessary urge of cross checking, revising the work which would lead to waste of your valuable energy and resources.
6. If you freeride, nobody would ever accuse you of presenting shoddy work.

The guide

So here are a few tidbits on how to successfully freeride an entire semester. Make sure you follow the exact steps in every semester but on different people.

1. Be present on the first day of the class. This is the day the groups are formed and be atleast 10 minutes early to the class.

2. Sit right next to the most studious girl in the class. Yes, girl is important because even if she finds out your ulterior motives she would spare your mother and sisters and also be sensitive enough not to insult you in front of other girls.

3. Indulge in a conversation before the class on the lines of how important the subject is and how much you want to study the subject. This will create an impression that you are really looking forward to study the subject.

4. Groups are generally formed at the end of the class. The most common size is 6-7. The girl next to you would generally have a default group of 3-4 already decided. You be a NICE guy and suggest another group of 3-4 hard working students and team them up.

5. In the most ideal situation, let the sub groups be such that you are the only one who is very comfortable talking to all people in the group. This will effectively make you the CEO of the group. And as you know in a team CEO works the least.

6. If you are able to find a group where a geeky guy wants to impress a geeky girl, boss you just won a lottery. NEVER leave such a group (Should i explain more :-)). Unfortunately, it is easier said that done. This is precisely the reason one should be aware about all the gossip going around in class. Hence, Free riding also improves your general knowledge.

7. Contrary to popular opinion, NEVER have the same group for two different subjects/events/competitions etc. This ensures that you will be able to freeride all events, other wise work will be shared and you will have to do some of it.

8. Start a chain mail 4-5 days before the final deadline asking the group to start contributing on the topic. Trust me, nobody is going to reply to the mail for the next 2 days. At the end of the two days, send a mail abusing the entire group of lack of seriousness and free riding.

9. If your image has taken slight hit (because of earlier freeriding) google the topic and copy paste the first 2 links and send in the mail. Nobody is going to bother to check the source, and would feel you are really doing some work.

10. Ego massage the hardest working person in the group. Generally, this is the breed of people (Commonly known as geeks, but i wont insult them) who need an outlet to talk. Be that outlet. Tell them how you are the only one working on the project in the other group. Show concern, tell them how much you want to help them but how helpless you are because of the useless group you have in the other subject.

11. Dont worry, they dont really need your help. But please ensure you offer help. Continue to bitch about others in the group.

12. Dont be too active on facebook, gmail etc 2 days before a submission. Out of sight is generally out of mind. Your team mates might just forget about your presence.

These were just a few pointers to become a legend. I have always kept my blog an open forum and you are free to share more ideas. I am open to make the necessary changes.