Friday, December 9, 2011

Why Mr Kapil Sibal is so fucking awesome!!!

At the outset, I would like to make it amply clear that this is an attempt to pander to the government because I am sure they will some how succeed in arm-twisting google and Facebook into taking some drastic actions(like allowing only pro Congress blogs in searches). Once they do it, I want my blog to be among the top most hits. Considering how not to so net savy our politicians are, they might appoint me as the chief blogger of the Congress party. I would definitely do a better job than Mr Manish Tiwari does on Television or what Mr Shashi Tharoor does on twitter.

Now coming to the point that has caused so much furor in last few days among my peers. I would like to play Devil’s advocate here and try to look into the positives that come out of Mr Sibal’s suggestion of censoring Gmail and FB –

1. Mr Sibal, the great visionary that he is, understands that US and Europe are passé. The future of the world is in the hands of the Chinese and OPEC countries. To convince these governments that Indians are suitable allies the government has to showcase tyranny to their dictatorial counterparts. Dictators of the Middle East can never trust a true democracy which respects feeble and unimportant issues like Freedom of Speech. Such steps will help India to procure cheap oil and cheap Chinese products in the future. Also, this will bring the Communist back to the UPA and we can hope for a stable government post 2014.

2. Thanks to facebook, India’s stupid idiot common man has started debating matters of national importance. Consider FDI in retail. Sadly, over the past one month Indian Parliament is the only place where no “intellectual” debate has happened on this topic. Clearly, this undermines the position that the Indian Parliament enjoys as the pre-eminent symbol of Indian democracy. The slogan “Keep hungry, Keep Foolish” has worked brilliantly for the Indian Government for 5 decades and maintained peace. Mango people must get back to discussing Bollywood and Cricket. There is no place for politics in their life.

3. Facebook is badly hurting the Indian economy. All sub-standard products like RA-One get caught up immediately. I cancelled my plan of watching the movie on Saturday because hours after its release as my facebook wall was flooded with reviews. Just imagine how many dollars the government loses when such feedback is posted about the services of Air India and other sarkari firms. The world of You Tube is flooded with videos of government inefficiency and misdemeanors. They must go down asap, otherwise the “foreign” private companies will gobble up the navratnas and we will become a colony again. (How?? Don’t ask me. That’s what I heard on television as discussed by our elite politicians)

Of course there is a potential downside to every issue which Mr Sibal understands. In this case the lazy facebook generation might just decide to switch off their laptops and vote on election day. But then he realizes that the only alternate they have is the BJP(lol, rofl on that). One can write a three part LOTR kind of book series to talk about their (mis)adventures. So overall, the idea of banning facebook works perfectly well for the Queen Mother and Prince of India. God Save the Queen. (Oops, do we have that post in a democracy?? Well I am not sure).

PS1: People if you liked the article, please pass it on to Mr Sibal. I would be interested in working for him.

PS2: Like Sheldon Cooper, even google cannot understand sarcasm. So advice to all, in case you want to criticize the government, lets be sarcastic. They will never catch us.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Cab driver Pappu Yadav challenges Vettel for a race on Delhi Roads

In what could be an inspiring story for large number of youngsters around India, cab driver Pappu Yadav has challenged Sebastien Vettel, the current Formula 1 champion to have a race with him on Delhi Roads. Pappu Yadav, a cab driver at a Gurgaon call center, is widely recognized among his peers as the fastest driver on Delhi Roads. He was extremely miffed when he realized that the Formula 1 champion is officially recognized as the fastest driver in the world. Now he sees next week’s Indian F1 as the perfect opportunity to decide once and for all who the fastest driver in the world is.

The Delhi Cab driver union has come in full support of Pappu. Gainda Singh, the union’s leader told faking news, “Formula 1 is completely farcical. The driver who drives on real roads in real traffic is the true champion. Even my 8 year old kid can drive fast on a vacant F1 circuit”. Unknown to the whole world, Pappu is a local hero among cab drivers. All drivers fondly remember how he once managed to drive from Rohini to Gurgaon-Sec 53 in 10 minutes, and that too in peak Delhi traffic and all that without any DRS technology. Raju, a young 18 year old cab driver commented - “He is an inspiration to all of us youngsters. He completes 10 rounds of pick up and drop from Rohini to Gurgaon in a single day. Imagine the money he makes when he picks ups stray passengers from IFFCO Chowk. All money tax free. I want to grow up to become Pappu one day. ” Infact, Pappu is not alone. All these cab drivers, almost cry when they think about the mouth watering prospect of driving on smooth roads with no traffic. They are convinced that they can beat all these foreign cars driving their own desi Mahindra Xylo’s. May be Vijaya Mallaya can be convinced to give 1 or 2 a test trial at the beginning of next season.

Diggi Singh (Indian minister who has an opinion about everything), lamented – “Its sad to see such talent getting wasted in India. Why should the Indian national team (referring to Force India) have foreign drivers. Why shouldn’t it have a reservation for Indian drivers like that in the IPL. Its an imperialistic conspiracy.” Clearly, Mr Singh has very little or no knowledge about Formula 1. But he is not the only one. 50% of the viewers who have bought tickets for next weekend’s race still think that Michael Schumacher is the world champion and Ferrari is best team in the world. When asked about who Narain Karthikeyan and Karun Chandok were, 40% promptly gave the reply that they are the latest Indian Davis Cup pair. The purists are hoping that the situation changes before next year’s race but the organizers are clearly not bothered because all tickets are sold out. “If they are buying a ticket to just flaunt pics on facebook, so be it. We don’t really care” a delighted organizer of the Indian F1 team addressed the media.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Speedy Singh – A Movie Review

Yes I know, Movie Review is not my thing and I should never write one. But Speedy Singh is such a remarkable piece of fiction that I was inspired to write this post. Moreover, it is a sports movie so I do qualify to write a post.

Statutory Warning
Carrying your brain along to Speedy Singh can be injurious to your brain so viewer discretion is advised.

Speedy Singh Side Affect

After watching the movie, I have decided to fulfill my childhood ambition of playing cricket at the highest level. For this, I need to set up an IPL team. Finding players will obviously not be a problem. There will be many interested in playing at the highest level. In case you have the passion and the drive to achieve something big in life (cricketing ability is strictly optional) please ping me your email id. I will soon get in touch with you.

Further my team needs –

1. A struggling coach – There must be plenty available ex-cricketers in the market.
2. A hot chick who is a lawyer cum doctor cum consultant cum analyst cum sports physiologist. This is probably the toughest to execute but I guess we can manage.
3. A super rich loser in life whose dad will sponsor our kits and training schedule. West Delhi has abundant supply of such species too.

The above matched with 2-3 song dance routines around Delhi Monuments and 1-2 inspirational lectures should be enough to set us up. Watch out for “WestDelhi Wonderboys” in the next year’s IPL. We can at least beat Delhi Daredevils.

Now coming to the actual movie, I will summarize as usual in bullet points (no Gas on my blog :D) –

1. Speedy Singh is a copy pasted remixed version of all the classics like Goal(Newcastle one), Invictus, Chak De India, Bend it like Beckham and even the not so classic ones like Goal(John Abraham one) and Patiala House. All the best scenes have been re-created with a little bit of Punjabi flavor to add spice to the original ones. Watch this one and you can claim to have watched all the other ones.
In case you have already seen all those, still go and watch this. For 2 hours you can pretend to be a wizard by predicting verbatim the next scene.

2. If you get offended by Russell Peters racist slurs you must have a copy of the movie in your video library. His role is embarrassing and downright classless. So the next time he offends you go away and watch the re run of Speedy Singh. You will enjoy a hearty laugh – Not at his jokes but on him.
Russell fans can be excited because I expect a whole 2-3 hours stand-up comedy session to be released very soon dedicated only to Bollywood movies and Indian marriages. After all it is important for him to regain his image back.

3. I never knew that leagues in Canada have Sardar commentators and people flock in front of radios to hear (yes hear) a local league match. To make it more exciting, the director has successfully shot some scenes that are almost impossible to occur in real life Ice hockey matches. We get to see Rugby and kabaddi (Yes, I am not kidding) tackles and even football like excitement where the striker hits the puck from half line and the defender clears it off the goal line by a last ditch tackle. Where the hell the goal keeper was is an answer I will never know. But then I have to accept my knowledge of Ice Hockey is minimal. May be in Ice hockey the goal keeper time to time joins the strikers to make up the extra man in attack or he is just allowed to go on a pee break between the game.

4. Some of the jokes like “Oye Jaddu, tune fir pad mara”, the pre goal (yes, pre goal) celebrations and the ridiculous helmets reminded me of my childhood and Cartoon Network. We used to crack similar jokes when we used to play the local street games in Class III. Speedy Singh takes you back to your childhood once again. Ah what a bliss, that nostalgic feeling.

5. The movie provides a lesson that even douche bags like Sreesanth, Joey Barton and Yuvraj Singh have a chance to improve. Because the "Star" of Speedy Singh takes attitude to another level. Despite being a nobody, he has the attitude of a Christiano Ronaldo. But just one match ban suffices to change him and he comes back in the final to help his team win. I hope Duncan Fletcher, Niel Warnock and Fabio Capello pick up something watching Speedy Singh.

Now I know to properly evaluate a movie you need a rating. So on Gunda’s Scale of awesomeness where 10 Gunda is equal to the perfect movie I will rate the movie at a 8 Gunda.

PS: Trust me, I am not of those who thinks he has wasted 250Rs on a movie and then wants others to face a similar fate. The above appreciation was truly genuine.

PS2: Unfortunately, some of my friends were hell bent on staging a walk out mid way and by the end, the theater was almost empty. Sadly, true art has never been appreciated in India. So in case you are one of those who does appreciate humor, please go ahead and watch the movie in a theater with your engineer college’s chichora gang.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The great tragedy of being a "Nice Guy" in Delhi

This is in response to one of those umpteen posts being shared on facebook which ridicules Delhi boys for being assholes. It might be extremely difficult to believe but there are indeed some perfectly nice gentlemen living in Delhi. There have been protests, candle night marches, facebook communities deriding all kinds of stereotypes but this is one stereotype that has stood the test of time without anyone raising a voice. Imagine what a nice guy in Delhi goes through when his own sister or best friend puts on her wall – “All Delhi men are losers, assholes etc”. So at the outset I would like to declare to all the folks around the world in SRK style –
“Dear All, I am a Delhi Guy and I am not a rapist” (I feel all guys in Delhi should put this as their Status Messages as a sign of protest )

What no one understands is that being a nice guy in Delhi is a damn difficult task. At every point in their life such guys have to suffer humiliation and indignation. A polite, gentle, chivalrous guy will most likely be branded as a wuss very early in his life. And after that his entire life is a struggle.
In case some guy is stupid enough to give his seat to a lady in metro out of genuine goodness, he will have to hear backbiting in not so repressed voices – “Sala, ladki ko impress kar raha hai”. To avoid this most nice guys stay miles away from the ladies section of the Metro Compartment or the left side of DTC buses. This means all the females only encounter the “Not so nice” people standing near them. Parochial in their viewpoint, the ladies generalize and “rape every guy’s character”.

Because of the “Delhi image”, the nice one’s tend to overcompensate by being over polite. Somehow they feel that the entire burden of enhancing the image of the city is on their shoulders. I remember I have missed my bus stop many times because of some girl with headphones blocking my path to the door. Of course she was too busy to hear me and I was too polite to touch her. I know of a friend who controlled his nature calls for two hours because he was sitting on the window seat of the airplane with two chicks sitting to his left. Had he tried to go, the girls would have given him “Die, You cheapster” look. Damn, all the niceness!!

Another baseless accusation against Delhi boys is that they abuse a lot. I know that they use BC, MC in almost every sentence but ask anyone who uses it and he will tell you that “Oh BC” is a major stress reliever. I have never understood why a person using the Fword is considered cool while the one using the Bword a vernacular. Its all down to our imperial hangover. Harvard, Wharton or any other American B school should do a research(Only they have time for such stupid researches. Indian Bschoolers prefer social work :D)and compare the stress reliving powers of the two words and I am sure Bc will win hands down over the English counterpart. So next time some guy exclaims “Oh BC!! You are looking amazing” in front of you please consider it as a very genuine compliment, one coming from the bottom of the heart.

Apart from the apathy towards females, Delhi people are also blamed of being cold on Delhi Roads. What people must know is that almost all of the cab and bus drivers hail from the neighboring H State. And that state is most famous for producing Olympic Wrestling Champions. Need I say more??? When you hit a car or commit an accident on Delhi Roads, YOU RUN, and Not wait for the opposing driver to come up and smash your windscreen. Years ago, I was travelling with my friend and he hit a biker. Instinctively, I tried to come out and help the biker. My friend pulled me back into the car and fled. I had missed the quickly gathering mob comprising solely of bus and cab drivers. Even today my friends pull my leg and have a good laugh at my stupidity. Unfortunately, I have to agree to their opinion.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Why India must run away from England before the third test match finishes??

Disclaimer: The sad part about this article is that for a change most of the things written are actually true 

Clearly what USA is to the world, India is to the world of cricket. So a downgrade in India’s rating will have similar implications to cricket as has happened to the world economy after USA’s downgrading. Funny enough, two Jharkhand boys have been at the helm and responsible for both downgrades.
( No Mr Raj Thackery, I am not giving you your next “brilliant” idea)

The riots in England have given India a spectacular opportunity to save their faces by running away from England citing security reason. They can declare the riots Anti-Asian and decide to protest by boycotting the series. To boost, they can donate their entire Test Series fees(which would anyways be not too much) to the victims of the attacks. This way MSD and his boys can return home as heroes. Besides this there are plenty of other reasons why this series should be stopped right at this juncture immediately -

1. In the past 60 years, English players have missed the subcontinent tour umpteen times. I can predict James Anderson will get injured before the India tour this winter. This is a golden opportunity for India to give it back. We could not complete 7-0 in 2008, let them not complete 4-0 in 2011. Classic tit for tat.

2. In case England does become number 1 embrace yourself to hear the following repeated every two minutes in ridiculous British accents –

Best batsman in the world – Alistair Cook
Best spinner in the world – Grame Swann
Best all rounder in the world – Stuart Broad (Actually it is Geoffery boycott’s mom but lets not be controversial)
Best captain in the world – Andrew Strauss
Best wicketkeeper in the world – Matt Prior
Best bowler in the world – James Anderson
Best umpire in the world – Roy Erasmus (South Africans have a quota in all things English)

3. This English team is really not an English team. Its an amalgamation of players recruited from Scotland, Wales, SA and a few other commonwealth countries. So to keep the spirit of the game in mind Dhoni should decide to not play England till they rename their team either "United Kingdom" or "Commonwealth" team. Just imagine what would happen if India imports its fast bowlers from Pakistan and spinners from Sri Lanka.

4. Our highly paid egoistic junior players are not just getting out cheaply, they are creating hilarious you tube videos which Anderson, Broad and company will share with their grand children when they tell them about an erstwhile format called Test Cricket and how they made IPL’s best players look absolute duds. These young kids will of course be aspiring IPL cricketers.

5. Last time India did something out of the blue (winning the TT World Cup), big fat bully BCCI created the IPL. If they lose this series 4-0(something equally surprising), BCCI might just decide to change the rules of Test cricket completely(Wait, did someone say ICC??? Whats that??). Lets face it, masses (Purists can commit suicide from the Lord’s balcony) would love to see Test Matches were bouncers are banned, 500 are chased in the last innings, pitches are flat and Suresh Raina bats like Brian Lara. Even sponsors will prefer a high scoring draw than a match that finished in three days.

6. The only logical explanation for India’s sudden fall from grace is divine. May be Gods are angry that some people (including Poonam Pandey) did not complete their pre-world cup promises. Or may be crores of Indians wished to god – “Bhagwaan ek baar world cup jeetwa do, bus uske baad chahe sare match har jaye” which god has decided to grant. So MSD and his boys have no control over the outcome of the game hence they better backout.

To conclude a scary thought, by the next English tour Suresh Raina would be India’s most experienced middle order batsman. BCCI just cannot let this continue. They must act. Considering their history I think they should stick to the tried and tested “bullying” strategy to enforce laws that benefit our own players. For any guidance, they can of course refer to Uncle Sam’s notebook and identify the proper cricketing analogue.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

An ode to Mumbai Taxiwallahs

Irrelevant background Information: I have moved out of Mumbai to Delhi and my new “Amrican” company is not as divine as my earlier desi company. People are supposed to work here for earning money (How callous are these bloody imperialistic MNC’s). So the net result is that the quantity and quality (assuming there was any) of my blogs is bound to go down.
Dear Mumbai Taxi Union,

I write to you after having lived for about a year in Mumbai and through this I would like to display my sincerest gratitude to you. On my way back home to Delhi I was wondering about the one thing I am going to miss most about Mumbai. I thought at that stage I will write a sentimental letter to whoever that special someone turns out to be.
And as soon as I landed in Delhi, I had my answer -

My flat is about 20 min ride from the airport. But the Delhi autowallahs assume that I am visitor and always quote a fare (pronounced FAAAYAR) three times the prepaid price. Every time I resort to the traditional vernacular of BC MC to drive home the point that I am a Delhiite. (Please don’t judge me. BC MC are not cuss words. That is the normal way delhites address strangers before any negotiation). Once the fact that I am one among them is established, the fare for the ride is promptly brought down to about 2 times the meter price. After one such heated negotiation, a Delhi Autowallah explained me his price matrix –

Variable Cost – Metered Cost (Per Km basis)
Fixed Cost per month – Police Van Tax + Local Auto association cost + MCD parking cost
Total Cost per ride – Variable Cost + Fixed Cost/Total Number of rides per month
(Judging by his precise matrix, I guess he was an MBA from one of those 100% placement MBA institutes whose “dream on” ads we see on TV)

Thus of the amount commuters pay, a huge chunk goes to the mobile police van, MCD, pollution control and all the other government departments who assist in the smooth running of autos despite of all stupid government regulations and rules which bar them from doing so. Now assuming Mumbai Police is as efficient as the Delhi Police the same cost structure would be applicable to you. You probably pay an extra MNS Tax in case of North Indian drivers. In such a situation, I wonder how do you guys manage to break even??

And yet spoilt Mumbaikars think that you are unruly. I remember audience in PVR Phoenix gave a standing ovation to the scene in Shaitan where the lead actor kicks the autowallah for refusing to go to Vasai, which I know is so far that had it been Europe it would be in a different country. How insensitive can anyone be!!

I wholeheartedly agree to your viewpoint that just like normal people even you are well within your rights to refuse to go to any remote location (There are plenty of such places in Mumbai) or refuse ugly looking male passenger in favour of chicks. When top MNC HR decide to hire only pretty ladies, they are termed as classy but when one of you decide to carry only female passengers you are termed as pervert.

I am sad that no one has raised a voice in your favour. Even Shantaram and SlumDog which have made a legend out of the shittiest shadiest places of Mumbai fail to talk about you. In case anyone of you is planning to launch an online revolution against such atrocities I will support you completely provided like all other modern revolutions this one too is restricted to forming facebook communities and making and liking strong passionate comments. I am a master at such revolutions and can volunteer to be your online union leader.

Sigh!! from now on every time I haggle with an autowallah, I will miss the sheer awesomeness of sitting inside a taxi after telling the destination without worrying about the fare. Mumbai Taxis I will miss you and I hope one day Mumbaikars realize your true worth and start respecting you more.

Yours sincerely,
A Delhite (I could have been a Bangolrean, Puneri or a Chennaite and still the content would have been the same)

Saturday, June 25, 2011

IT Companies to introduce Pyaar ka Punchnama in induction schedule

(Another fakingnews kind of story dedicated to my roomie and hundreds of other guys who have not learnt anything from Pyaar Ka Punchnama. The content is extremely sexist and controversial. Reader discretion is advised.)

Faced with the colossal challenge of keeping new recruits awake during induction presentations many IT companies have decided to include superhit movie Pyaar Ka punchnama as part of the their induction programs. Induction programs which are scientifically designed to impart the necessary gyaan required to complete the transition from student to corporate life are most often treated by young recruits as a frivolous platform to identify their potential future brides (in case of guys) and best friends (read as faithful ****, in case of girls)

Raj Aryan, a senior HR at TCS told us that the movie although a comedy is grounded in reality. He said, “Every year I see hundreds of young boys getting “used” at IT companies. They get salary of one but end up working for 5. Frustrated, they either go to do an MBA or switch companies. We felt it was a necessary to pass such knowledge to new recruits. However, no matter how hard we tried they ended up sleeping in presentations. So when I saw PKP, I realized that this is the best way to communicate to the GenX. Despite its popularity, young graduates have conveniently forgotten the lessons the movie teaches us about life. I am saddened that even after one month of the release of the movie no union (as hinted by the lead actor in PKP) supporting the cause of single guys has come up. We are encouraging our new employees to create a facebook page supporting the cause. In addition, IT engineers at TCS are working on creating a self-check warning system where the popular song “Kutta” will automatically start playing if a male engineer dabbles into any module meant to be completed by any female colleague. “

However, not all employees were all that excited about the supposedly “fun” activity designed by the HR. Rahul, a fresh graduate from DCE said that he absolutely loved the movie but HR being HR asked us to make an overnight presentation on the topic “Learnings for young managers from PKP”. He accepted that the movie had its positive effects because the smoking hot chick XX in his group volunteered to help making the presentation. However, she had a last minute family emergency and had to leave. She came back in the morning and was made the lead presenter. Her presentation skills were appreciated by the senior management and she has been earmarked for the much coveted sales profile. Rahul on the other hand was ridiculed for his soporific dazed expression during the presentation.

PS 1 : In case you are a single guy and haven’t watched PKP, I implore you to watch it. The movie has the potential to attain a cult status reserved only for classics like Gunda or Andaz Apna Apna.

PS 2 : Frankie says relax now has a facebook page. In case you have liked any of the posts here, please like it( When it comes to marketing, i am shameless :-)) –

Saturday, May 28, 2011

India's top 5 Marketing Campaigns

Disclaimer 1: If you want to get into an intellectual debate, please go elsewhere. I have too low an IQ to get into one.
Disclaimer 2: If you are a marketing major looking for some GAS, Dude get a life. Or like my boss says, Get a GF – you will learn everything there is to know about marketing.
Disclaimer 3: Like all posts on this blog, take this post seriously at your own peril

Reading my blog, I am embarrassed at the lack of content. So this time I decided to come up with a post that is perfectly aligned to my career mission and vision (GAS lol, rofl). Now whenever I have read or heard some corporate honcho talking about marketing they always start with the cliché – “We proved all management theories wrong and created our own story”. I wonder if all successful products and companies proved the theories wrong, why are we forced to study these theories in the first place. Chuck it, it’s a different debate all together.

I pondered hard on few of the most successful Indian campaigns I have seen in recent history and tried to come up with a list of the best. So here is the list of my top 5 (in reverse chronological order)-

5. JK Super Cement – “Vishwaas hai isme kuch khaas hai” – I am sure all you perverts remember this ad. Just in case you don’t, here is it
I am sure Sigmund Freud had an Indian lineage. Otherwise we wouldn’t have produced such revolutionary ads. This threw all marketing concepts of using emotional connect (sexual appeal) for only low involvement products out of the window. This campaign simplified interpretation of all marketing concepts and summed up into one single simple solution – Get a struggling super hot model in bikini, buy cricketing ad slots and your campaign is a hit.

4. Zandu Balm – Has there ever been a better example of subliminal advertising in history than this?? Even though they deny it, I am sure Zandu sponsored it. “Munni Badnaam hui” has ensured that whenever a guy is in some distress, he will remember Zandu Balm. Sales figures revealed that Zandu Balm sales rose immediately after the release of the song. As soon as the song started to fizzle out, Zandu in a token gesture sued the movie makers to keep the song in news for a month longer than it should have. I seriously hope that Kotler recognizes this campaign and “Munni” gets its place in all future Kotler editions, a place it richly deserves.

3. Hakim Usmani – This is easily the best example of Out of Home mass advertising. While most OOH campaigns are never noticed, you would have seen or read this campaign even as a 10 year old. Using dilapidated houses besides railway tracks meant that they have one of the world’s highest No of views to investment ratios. (Unfortunately, my friends are not as sporting as me and would have some real mean comments about this one. Therefore, I would not comment any further. Use your own jurisdiction)

2. IIPM – Love him or hate him, you have to concede that IIPM is brilliant at one thing – marketing. It has achieved any marketing god’s dream – Selling an inferior product at a huge premium. It has transformed the “My dad is an ATM, I am cool (read as loser)” generation into “My dad is an ATM, I am an MBA (now an educated loser)” Few things I really like about IIPM are –
• It has decreased the gap between the haves and have-nots. Now UP’s desi lala can tell his munim (CA) – “Arre kaha aapne apne bête ko MBA karne Kozhikode bhej dia, Mera beta to Delhi mai MBA kar raha hai. Use free laptop bhi mila. Uske college ka bhi naam kuch II karke hi hai”
• Being a sort of wannabe quizzer myself, I am delighted that IIPM has brought fun back to Business Quizzing. Have you seen how gay the quizmasters of other institutes are??? They will show you someone’s underwear, two random logos, a male model and ask you to connect the pics. The worst part is that you will find people answering such questions.
So what if Sharukh cannot answer the question, Connect – KKR, Red Chillies, Circus and Baazigar. Atleast he brings the oomph factor to quizzing. There were more girls at IIPM quiz “show” than the number of girls combined in all other quizzes(atleast 1000) I have been to.
Obviously there are questions about ethics, authenticity etc but I am not going to question it. Being masters of marketing, I am sure IIPM ads would be appearing next to my blog which will help me earn 1 or 2 dollars. And I will (just like TOI, NDTV and all other media channels) never say anything against somebody who is bringing me revenue.

1. India TV – Great Management thinkers always talk about “Identifying your TG and positioning your product to suit their whims.” Obviously, they have not seen India TV. India TV has managed to do what no other product has achieved in history. It has managed to be present in more than two categories at once. For a large portion of the country it is a news channel, for others it is the televised version of, for few other publicity hungry youngsters it is a sure shot way of coming on television. Imagine a youngster who is not good looking has no singing or acting talent but wants to star on a reality show. He can simply call India TV and they will help him create some news. I am sure Pagal Patrakar (from the fakingnews fame) gets 90% of his ideas from India TV. Arindam Chaudhari “fans” will argue that IIPM should have been at number 1 position but I would like to end with the India TV headline that sealed the top spot for India TV.
On the day of the royal wedding when all channels were busy showing the mundane wedding India TV ran a special 30 min show with the title - “Kya Kate Prince William ke liye dhood ka glass layengi??”

I guess that rests my case.

PS 1: The only reason i wrote this was to change my resume point to "Marketing Blogger" from just "blogger" Might help in getting more shortlist :D

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Tragedy of being 25+ in an Indian BSchool

One of my DCE friends(2007 batch) has got into IIM this year and the poor soul is extremely excited about this screw up. The mean streak in me has decided to convince him that the world of Bschools is not that kind for the 25+ community coming in. So in case you are one of those, please look away, you are not going to like the reality check that is going to follow.

If you are an aspirant with heavy workex walking into a Bschool after slogging in the IT sector for years, you are most likely to have the following dreams -
• Investment Banking or a FMCG marketing job
• Having fun in a class with more than 33% girls. (For an engineer, it is like living a dream). Some of you might even have aspirations of finding your life partner at a Bschool.
• And most importantly – Huge packages and the future of a classy lifestyle.

On the last day of office you tell your boss and everybody around – “Fuck you IT, I will never return”. And then this is what happens to you –

• You will be nicknamed “Dada”, “Grandpa”, “buddha”, “Baba”, “Oldie” on the very first day of college. Mean freshers(like me) do it to eliminate you from the battle for the cutest female. Ignore them, you cannot help it. Get used to your nickname; it will now stick with you for a lifetime.
• In the first 15 days of hell (known as induction), you will be harassed by some senior whom you ragged when he was your junior in graduation. He will take strong revenge for all your misdemeanors in engineering college and you will regret being a bully as a senior.

• 80% of the 33% girls you are excited about would be at least 4-5 years younger than you. They will at best treat you like ANNA (elder brother) if not uncle.

• 99.99% of the 5% girls of your age would already be committed, married or engaged. The balance 0.01% are single because of a reason. (Use your own judgment to guess why. I refrain from making any racist/sexist/biased comments on my blog)

• In the initial days, you will arrogantly smirk at the global, far from reality “gaseous viewpoints” - your stupid younger classmates have. Very soon you will realize that only such “gas” points are appreciated in the Bschool world.

• Being the most experienced and by that logic most responsible guy in the batch you will be given all the “Non CV point” responsibilities like escorting drunk guys(only guys) back from party, arranging all fun trips and then haggling with the bus driver about the route when the other irresponsible kids are having fun in the back.

• Going back to classes would be extremely difficult after 4-5 years of working. Because despite all the fun, there is a whole lot of studying that happens in classes. Unless, you are a ghissu of the highest order you will most often end up at the bottom rung in academic ladder. And this will end any hope you had of getting an I-bank shortlist.

• If you were one of those irritated by office politics and wanted to run away from it by getting into a BSchool, you are screwed. BSchool politics will put to shame, even the worst of Politicians. Every institute has its own Karunanidhi(commonly known as the “Placement Secretary”) and its DMK family. My sincere advice is to become his family’s Dayanidhi Maran in the first year itself.

• Two years is a long time, the really pretty super cute girl in the next building will be married by the time you come out of “college”. She will call you informing you about the news this way – “You know, I had a crush on you. But then my parents were forcing me to get married and you went to complete your MBA. I could not have waited for 2 years. But now I am happy. "Insert name of any guy you hate" is a nice guy. Not an MBA like you, but still I am very happy. IT engineer settled in US etc.”

• Banks and FMCG companies will conveniently ignore you because of your age. (Wait, which other companies come on campus. Don’t worry, desi group companies & IT companies would definitely give you a shortlist :-))

• You will be married or engaged months after your studies. So in effect, your bachelor life with assured monthly cash flows is effectively over the day you walk out of your current job.

• Perhaps the most damaging one – When you come out of a Bschool you will most probably end up in Mumbai (THE most expensive city in the world) with no bank balance, fresher at a job with an enormous bank loan (unless you were at FMS of course :)) to pay at the ripe old age of 27. And all this after having lived a completely fun filled life in Gurgaon, Hyderabad or Bangalore at less than half the salary packages pre MBA.
Can it get any worse???

PS: Dedicated to all my friends who went to B school as a 25 year old.
PPS: If you are a 25 something heading into a Bschool, please don’t take this article too seriously. I am just kidding. Wish you all the best for your MBA.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Top 10 reasons to support Delhi Daredevils

(Inspired from my earlier post on 10 reasons to support the English football Team)

So the IPL madness is on once again. Fans of Shahrukh khan, Shilpa Shetty, Deepika Padukone, Preity zinta and even Shashi Tharoor have joined the cricket crazy people in the frenzy. In this chaos, I am sure the Delhi owners might have felt really left out in the first 3 seasons. Poor souls are not celebrities nor they have political contacts, neither they have “talented” sons with famous gf’s. The team was also a mid table team - neither brilliant nor controversial to attract any attention. In such a scenario, GMR Group was clearly the most unknown of the owners. So this year they decided to do something so daft, that everyone would jump up and ask – “Who the hell are the owners of this team???”

Anyways, I still feel supporting Delhi Daredevils is still the best bet for anybody thinking of enjoying the next two months. Here are my reasons -

1. When you look at Irfan Pathan you realize that no matter if the majority of the people in the world feel you are completely useless, there is always someone somewhere who values you at a price of Rs 4.5 crore. Life is always about finding such “special someone” :D

2. You can always put up super funny facebook status messages about any DD player. You are bound to get 1000 likes from all DD fans because all of them are busy surfing facebook instead of watching the match

3. Such things help you emphatize better with Bangladeshi cricket fans. Imagine they have been going through the same emotions for the past 10 years. Hence, supporting Delhi will make you a better person. (Delhi people, most of all need to develop such emotions)

4. A loser team always helps you appreciate the other team’s performance better. Infact, even amateur players like Maneria will start looking good when they play against your team. So if you are DD fan, you will feel future of Indian cricket is in secure hands.

5. No Market Risk - If somehow tomorrow all cricket boards decide to call back all international players to their countries, other franchisees will run for cover while DD will be completely unaffected. Afterall, they have only 1 international in the entire squad

6. The match might get so boring that you will switch channels to Star Cricket and watch India winning the WC 2011 100th time. Since every Indian is bound to watch it a million times in the future, DD fans are getting a solid head start.

7. Suddenly Mithun Minhas, Manoj Tiwari and Amit Mishra have started performing. It is a clear learning to all Delhi fans that respect all things you have in your life. Coz you will understand their true value only once they are gone.

8. Warrant Buffet, Who??? GMR people are the biggest corporate philanthropists in the world. They have spent so much on forgotten talent of Indian cricket – Agarkar, pathan, V Rao with the hope that they will rise to the occasion and prove themselves.

9. After two years, everybody will remember the winner but nobody will remember the losing finalists. So for 8 other teams, this year would be as meaningless as for DD. Their fans will have to needlessly suffer from the agony of finishing 5th or losing a close final match. DD fans can thoroughly enjoy the dancing cheer girls, Page 3 celebs of other teams without worrying about their team's performance.

10. Most importantly, DD fans can now concentrate on their hobbies, interests that are not related to cricket. For example, in my case this blog was not updated since the WC started. I had no intentions of posting anything till the end of the IPL, but my team’s performance forced me to. So In case you have a gf or a wife, its time you concentrate on her and forget cricket for a while because immediately after the IPL it’s the England tour then the WI tour followed by the Australian tour.

PS: Delhi could be well on their way towards creating history. And we as DD fans should be proud about what we are about to endure over the next three years. It will help us become stronger persons :D

Friday, January 28, 2011

IIT KGP students decide to boycott Valentine's day

(Wrote it for fakingnews. Subject to approval from the big boss(pagal patrakar), it might be published. But as usual unedited version is ready here)

Kharagpur: In what could feel as music to the ears of Sri Ramsena, Bajrang Dal and the likes, students of IIT KGP have decided to ban celebrations of Valentine’s day on campus this year. President of the students union Mr Sriram Rajagopalachari addressed the media saying that the decision was taken by an absolute majority and most of the students stand by the decision. “It is unfair to let a tiny section of students enjoy a festival when hundreds of others are suffering at the same time”. He said that the Valentine’s day has increased cases of depression in IIT students. “The official country census says that the sex ratio is 950 something. But you will understand the true reality when you see my facebook friend list. The actual sex ratio is actually 100. In such a scenario events like Vday, add to the frustration of already massively hassled IIT students. In some cases it increases homo sexual tendencies too” a happy IIT student told the media. It is well documented that in many engineering colleges, male students give chocolates to each other on chocolate day. Freeriding sid managed to contact the only IIT KGP student with a girlfriend. He on the condition of anonymity told fakingnews that he was somewhat disappointed but agreed to stand by his friends in the noble cause “All of us are suffering together. The only reason I am still with my current gf is because I don’t have an option of moving on. It is a sad state of affairs and by taking this step if the sadness subsides a bit, I am all game for it. Anyways, it is all about peer pressure and if nobody in my clan is having a date, I don’t mind being single either.”

Mr Sriram is writing to other engineering colleges for support and has received positive response from lots of engineering colleges. Some students in Delhi College of Engineering as a part of their CSR project, have reportedly started spreading awareness in Bawana (neighboring village) about the ills of Valentine’s day. IIT Guwahati has asked its 10 non male students to take a holiday for a week in case some students are not able to control themselves.

Sriram is positive that this wave will spread across the entire country and all students of engineering will ultimately decide to boycott in what he calls “A festival for the lesser mortals”.

Monday, January 17, 2011

10 reasons why I am going to assume that the last India SA match was fixed

The last month has been absolutely dry for any blogger. Corrupt politicians have been sacked, India is winning away test matches, no more rapes are happening in Delhi and worst of all even Appam is behaving like a cow. How can the blogging industry survive in such a scenario?? Fortunately we have the proud Indian cricket "fan" to bail us out.

Some so called Indian cricket “fans” have been propagating stories that the last Ind-SA match was fixed. Initially I rubbished the idea thinking that it was foolish to spread such rumors. But some more analysis helped me in understanding their psyches and I have promptly decided to join in the bandwagon of those “fans”. I just jotted some of the most compelling reasons for all Indian men to believe that not only the last match but all cricket matches are fixed -

• Being a proud Indian, I feel that we Indians are genetically weak and a nervous wreck. It is scientifically impossible for us to win any close games. Whenever I see a girl watching me bat, I get out immediately. Then how can Munaf Patel(being just like me) take two wickets in the last over when the entire world was watching him??

• Being a proud racist, I also feel that poor South Africans are the dumbest people on earth. Infact, SA team has had a history of being dumb (Remember Shaun Pollock). They will fix a match and then make it absolutely obvious by getting out on short and wide balls. Even a layman can be more subtle. For example, if I fix a match I will get out to Zaheer’s Yorker instead of Munaf gentle medium pace.

• Being a proud “MAN” and an MCP, I got to have strong “manly” opinions about everything.It is the job of women to believe in the romance of the one day game.

• Being a materialistic asshole, I don’t see the point in NOT fixing matches. Which logical cricketer will want to win a game if he is getting paid more for losing??

• Being a proud sensationalist, I love masala stories. That is why I love fixed reality shows, fixed news, WWF and now even fixed cricket. Reality would be so boring.

• Being an elitist, I am convinced that a team built up of people like Dhoni, Munaf, Pathan (coming from lower middle class) must be corrupt.

• Being a sore loser, its my duty to be jealous of every successful guy on this earth. While I lick my boss’s ass, how can men younger than me become the No 1 team in the world

• Being a complete cynic, I feel that all goodness in this world has decimated and nobody on earth should be trusted.

• Being an eternal pessimist, I know nothing good can happen to me. The team I support or claim to support cannot win any match under normal circumstances.

• Being a proud blogger, It is my duty to make this blog famous. I know idiots will never share my blog if I write about boring dumb things. All headlines must have some weight.