Friday, August 12, 2011

Why India must run away from England before the third test match finishes??

Disclaimer: The sad part about this article is that for a change most of the things written are actually true 

Clearly what USA is to the world, India is to the world of cricket. So a downgrade in India’s rating will have similar implications to cricket as has happened to the world economy after USA’s downgrading. Funny enough, two Jharkhand boys have been at the helm and responsible for both downgrades.
( No Mr Raj Thackery, I am not giving you your next “brilliant” idea)

The riots in England have given India a spectacular opportunity to save their faces by running away from England citing security reason. They can declare the riots Anti-Asian and decide to protest by boycotting the series. To boost, they can donate their entire Test Series fees(which would anyways be not too much) to the victims of the attacks. This way MSD and his boys can return home as heroes. Besides this there are plenty of other reasons why this series should be stopped right at this juncture immediately -

1. In the past 60 years, English players have missed the subcontinent tour umpteen times. I can predict James Anderson will get injured before the India tour this winter. This is a golden opportunity for India to give it back. We could not complete 7-0 in 2008, let them not complete 4-0 in 2011. Classic tit for tat.

2. In case England does become number 1 embrace yourself to hear the following repeated every two minutes in ridiculous British accents –

Best batsman in the world – Alistair Cook
Best spinner in the world – Grame Swann
Best all rounder in the world – Stuart Broad (Actually it is Geoffery boycott’s mom but lets not be controversial)
Best captain in the world – Andrew Strauss
Best wicketkeeper in the world – Matt Prior
Best bowler in the world – James Anderson
Best umpire in the world – Roy Erasmus (South Africans have a quota in all things English)

3. This English team is really not an English team. Its an amalgamation of players recruited from Scotland, Wales, SA and a few other commonwealth countries. So to keep the spirit of the game in mind Dhoni should decide to not play England till they rename their team either "United Kingdom" or "Commonwealth" team. Just imagine what would happen if India imports its fast bowlers from Pakistan and spinners from Sri Lanka.

4. Our highly paid egoistic junior players are not just getting out cheaply, they are creating hilarious you tube videos which Anderson, Broad and company will share with their grand children when they tell them about an erstwhile format called Test Cricket and how they made IPL’s best players look absolute duds. These young kids will of course be aspiring IPL cricketers.

5. Last time India did something out of the blue (winning the TT World Cup), big fat bully BCCI created the IPL. If they lose this series 4-0(something equally surprising), BCCI might just decide to change the rules of Test cricket completely(Wait, did someone say ICC??? Whats that??). Lets face it, masses (Purists can commit suicide from the Lord’s balcony) would love to see Test Matches were bouncers are banned, 500 are chased in the last innings, pitches are flat and Suresh Raina bats like Brian Lara. Even sponsors will prefer a high scoring draw than a match that finished in three days.

6. The only logical explanation for India’s sudden fall from grace is divine. May be Gods are angry that some people (including Poonam Pandey) did not complete their pre-world cup promises. Or may be crores of Indians wished to god – “Bhagwaan ek baar world cup jeetwa do, bus uske baad chahe sare match har jaye” which god has decided to grant. So MSD and his boys have no control over the outcome of the game hence they better backout.

To conclude a scary thought, by the next English tour Suresh Raina would be India’s most experienced middle order batsman. BCCI just cannot let this continue. They must act. Considering their history I think they should stick to the tried and tested “bullying” strategy to enforce laws that benefit our own players. For any guidance, they can of course refer to Uncle Sam’s notebook and identify the proper cricketing analogue.