Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sensational revelation: Mahut accepts the marathon match was fixed

In a sensational revelation, Nicolos Mahut has accepted that the marathon match was staged by the two players in order to attain fame and immortality. After being interrogated for nearly 3 hours by the London police, a very emotional Mahut broke down and accepted the crime. He said “I am a bloody court no 18 player. A court number 18 player lives at court no 18 and dies at court no 18”. He almost broke down saying “I have been a professional for 10 years now and nobody knows me. I come here, win one or two matches at outside courts and nobody sees. Then sometimes they throw me against Federer, Nadal or roddick on center court and everybody marvels at my haplessness”. While coming to Wimbledon, my 5 year old kid wished me “Dad! I hope you atleast win one match this time”. I was absolutely shattered to hear this and when I learnt that John Isner my good outside court friend was my opponent I devised this plan. I told Isner that we could become legends: greater than Federer or Roddick and he acquiesced. He agreed on the condition that I would ultimately let him win.

The British Police reported that the investigation was done because of allegations made by an unknown Pakistani cricketer Rashid Latif, who is an absolute expert on match fixing in sports. “I saw the match on television and immediately had the feeling this is not right. How can they hit so many aces in the 5th set? After having investigated match fixing for the past 15 years in cricket, it didn’t take me long to understand the conspiracy. I immediately called my friend Danish Kaneria, who has good contacts with the British police and they reacted instantly.” Latif said.

A visibly triumphant Latif who could be nominated for an OBE said in a press conference “ I played the game in a certain way. I walked every time I got out, never appealed unnecessarily and always played within the spirit of the game. I want to see all sports being run the same way. I would treat this as a very small victory. I am not going to keep quiet until all sports are set free from corruption. I hope they start respecting me more in my own country after this episode.”

PS: The post is obviously a work of fiction :-)

Friday, June 18, 2010

10 Reasons to support the English Football team

England reached a new nadir yesterday. But still I feel it’s a smart idea to support them. Here are a few top reasons why we should continue to support England at the WC –

1. If they win, you are entertained. If they lose, the british media ensures that you are super entertained.

2. If you watch their matches as a neutral, you will get so bored that you will doze off. Hence better support the three lions.

3. Watch the English team very closely. Their resemblance to the Indian cricket team is uncanny. Highly paid non performing superstars. Infact there are quite a few man to man parallels. For every Wayne Rooney we have Yuvraj Singh (angry young men), For every Frank Lampard we have Suresh Raina (Brilliant in the local league, pussycats abroad), For every Robert Green we have Ravindra Jadeja (Poor single error scape goats), For every Wayne bridge we have …(Well there are some differences of course) but I am sure Virat Kohli will suffer a similar fate.

4. The parallels don’t end here. Football is not the national sport of England, just like cricket is not the national sport of India. The people though are as madly in love with football and hence are equally tormented after some defeat. Thus we should have sympathy for the English players. Actually the English Football team is a fair reflection of the Indian cricket team in 100 years time when even the IPL will hardly have any Indian players playing.

5. When you look at Emile Heskey, you realize no matter how pathetic you have been throughout the year, no matter even if your local club doesn’t consider you good enough for a start, there is always someone somewhere who loves you and respects you. In heskey’s case, it is Capello.

6. No matter which side you support, goal keeping errors are always fun to watch and become a part of history. Some stupid game show might run a quiz years later asking you what happened next. Thus you can win some realy bounty in 10 years time, thanks to Robert Green, David James and Paul Robinson.

7. Watching them Chelsea fans would realize Rooney does not have such a great first touch, Man U fans would realize Lampard misses more shots than he scores, Arsenal fans realize Lennon should be sprinter instead of a footballer, Liverpool fans would find out that there are no evertonians in the entire squad. Classic case of finding out that grass was greener when you were on the other side. These points will give you bragging points in the most important EPL battle next year.

PS: Loyal fans cannot find out mistakes in their own players. I still find lampard and terry are playing at their best ever.

8. Even if they lose every match, each match is a story of David Vs Goliath, giant killing action. Such stories are always exciting to know. It inspires us and fills us with a dream that one day even the Indian football team will beat the English.

9. There are loads of cute, pretty blondes crying in the crowd. Just in case you happen to be on the ground you might want to lend a shoulder. For girls, you can see David Beckham cry.

10. Perhaps the most important lesson you learn watching the English team is philosophical in nature. Higher wages don’t necessarily produce winning results. This gives the HR a new excuse to start a new team building campaign crap which would mean a paid holiday for the entire office is just around the corner.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Cluttered ppt is an awesome ppt

We all have heard from our managers (lecturers) the idea to make a good presentation is to keep it simple clean and in bullet points. In MBA jargon, all bullet points no gas. However, the above is only true if you had no other work and hence prepared in extensive detail. But, modern hip-hop MBA’s like us don’t have time to spend on intricate details. And hence the small bullet point presentations are useless.

The art of making a great ppt lies in impressing upon the audience that you have greater knowledge of the subject that is being discussed. For this absolute knowledge about the audience is of paramount importance. Your senior manager (or lecturer) is generally a workaholic, sleep deprived, sex deprived gentleman with a weak eyesight. It’s important to exploit all the above weaknesses to create a classy presentation designed to kill. There is no greater presenter than one who can put his evaluator to sleep. Since all these evaluators are themselves hot shot MBA’s with largely inflated ego’s, nobody would ever accept the fact that he slept and hence would have no option but to appreciate the presentation. Here are few brilliant insights on how to become a great presenter–

1. If you are a pretty girl or your group has one, start with a deliberate technical glitch which looks genuine. For example taking a random.swf file to a place where you are absolutely sure that no flash player is in sight. The teary eyed female would arouse sympathy. The sympathy would immediately turn to appreciation when you bring to notice that you had the brilliant foresight and had kept a somewhat cruder ppt form ready. This way you will create an initial impression even before starting.
PS : In case you are ugly fat male, do not even try this stunt. You would arouse extreme anger instead of sympathy and your presentation is ruined at the first instance

2. Take a note pad with you. The notepad would basically have gibberish but it should seem you have made presentation notes based on some brilliant research. Insist that the light be kept open so that you can read it out. This would mean that your workaholic boss with a weak eyesight would not be able to read your presentation.

3. Make the first slide as cluttered as possible. Put all kinds of smart art, weird figures, random charts copy pasted. Refer all of the material. Curve arrows going from top to bottom work best to confuse the tired mind of the evaluator and would put him off to sleep. Random charts that are copy pasted should be barely visible from the place where the evaluator is sitting.

4. The second slide should only have figures. You can copy paste the balance sheet of the biggest company which is remotely associated with your topic. If you are the king of the freeriders, you can also put random data like CIP = 100% which is loosely interpreted as Chutiaps in this presentation is equal to 100%. Nobody would ask you to explain such data so chill.

5. All the evaluators were born in the time of Shakespeare and hence are unaware of the latest colloquials and language. Throw in as many such terms as possible. Here, your daily viewing of HIMHM, Friends, Prison break, BBT would help. For example, in a class ppt a dialogue like “ According to the great Barney Stinson, Lorenzo Van matthean is the most awesome” would drive your classmates to splits. Your professor who would have no idea who Barney Stinson is, would give a sheepish smile assuming Stinson to be some modern day philosopher, physicist etc. He would act casual and wont dare to ask who is being referred to. Other quotable characters are Sheldon cooper of BBT and Joey of Friends. Football Fans can try geeky names like Bixente Lizarazu, Ole Gunner Soljskaer or Van goner hasselink.

6. Never ever mention any word that is remotely linked to the subject expertise of the evaluator. These sex deprived workaholic’s only get orgasms after listening to such things and would rape you within the next two minutes.

7. Keep a stop watch to repeat the following lines religiously after every 90 seconds –
• For Marketing ppts – “Providing customer value is the most important. Customer is the king”
• For Finance ppts – “Providing shareholder value is the most important. Shareholder is the king”
• For Consulting ppts – “We did a thorough analysis. Consultant is the king. ”
• For HR ppts – “Providing people value is the most important. People are the king”

8. Give 3-4 random solutions to the problem that was given. Since we are awesome MBA’s, these solutions would come straight to your mind when you hear the problem. Dedicate the next two months(entire duration of the project) to justify these solutions. Find out (google) exactly the same number of advantages and disadvantages to all. No less no more. In case, your audience was not confused before it will be now.

After sufficiently confusing the audience, open the forum for questions. Only one question would arise “So what is your final recommendation”. Pick any one, state its advantage and then say but in case (Now return to point 8 and get into an infinite loop). Finish it by picking the one which would have the following characteristics –
1. In case you are a sales guy, you will get the sale
2. In case you are a consult, your company will be hired
3. In case you are a fin guy, the least amount of work will be given to you.
4. In case you are an HR guy, the solution which results in your increase of salary should be chosen

This my dear friends will make you an awesome presenter.