Friday, August 27, 2010

Ramalinga Raju to join politics – To head Andhra Pradesh operations of the RJD

(Wrote for fakingnews. Published on Sept 04 2010. )

Hyderabad: Ramalinga Raju, Satyam’s tainted ex chairman and prime accused in the multi crore accounting scam has decided to do a career switch and enter active politics. According to news reports, he was approached by various political parties wanting Raju to join their organization. After several offers and day long negotiations with all parties, Raju decided to join the Rashtriya Janta Dal’s Andhra Pradesh wing as the head of operations. “Raju’s joining hands will help our party become a national party. We can finally move out of Bihar. We are sure that under the able leadership of Mr Raju RJD will emerge as a strong contender in the next state elections. His experience of handling a small company like Satyam against giants like TCS and Infosys will come in handy while competing against the big national parties. ”said Sadhu Yadav. “This will help us in improving our image in the eyes of the corporate world. We have always been viewed as an uneducated party but now things will change” beamed RJD Chief Laloo Prasad Yadav. When grilled by the media on how can a criminal be made a member of his party, Laloo Prasad Yadav reiterated that Raju was only an accused and not proven guilty. He said he had full confidence in India’s judiciary and was sure that Mr Raju will come out innocent out of the whole issue. The move is also being viewed as a long term modernization strategy in RJD. It is learnt that Raju will also be the chief strategist in all elections and work behind the scenes along with Pappu Yadav. Freeriding sid talked to Pappu who lamented that before the use of electric voting machines RJD was the best in class when it came to booth capturing. The EVM machines had destroyed RJD’s USP and therefore they had fallen behind Nitish Kumar’s JD(U). We have full faith that Raju can crack the code of the EVM’s and help RJD reestablish their dominance in Bihar.

Although there was some shock in the IT industry, political experts showed no surprise in the development. They said it was an obvious career choice for Mr Raju. His son talked to freeriding sid and was quite enthusiastic about his father’s new career move “He is quite knowledgeable about the laws of the country and was a close associate of all political parties during his Satyam days. What he is used to do covertly, he will do in the open. I am pretty sure he will be successful”

TDP Chief Chandrababu Nadu, who was always known to be a very close friend of the Raju’s showed some disappointment but was said he was happy for his former friend. Nadu addressed the media saying “RJD has made him head of state. TDP could not have offered him the same designation. Although I would have liked to work with such an intellectual but I have no complaints. I wish him the best of luck for a successful political career”

Friday, August 20, 2010

ICC to conduct entrance exam for all international players

Dubai: Irritated by the constant flouting of its rules the ICC has decided to conduct a compulsory entrance exam for all international players. All players, young and old must qualify by clearing this test and only then, will they be made eligible for play in international matches. There have been numerous instances in the past two months were international players have been commissioned to the refree’s room. The recent incident occurred yesterday when Kyle Mills who breached the warm up rule (Rule 17.1)and was suspended for half an hour from bowling. Mills later reported that he was not aware of the rule. Shocked by this, the ICC has decided to start this entrance test. A top ranking ICC official talked to the media - “We want all players to know all the rules and sections by heart so that they maintain discipline and spirit of the game. The test will be a simple way to ensure that no players blame the lawmakers after breaching it later”. The course curriculum for the exam will consist of the following sections –

1. All laws, sections, subsections and the punishments enforced in the ICC rulebook.
2. Abuses in all basic international cricketing languages – English, Australian, Hindi, Urdu, Swahili and Zulu
3. Basic corporate and media etiquettes
4. Guide to the spirit of cricket and integrity – A book written by an ICC panel

The boards of all cricketing nations have reacted differently to ICC’s decision. ACB was happy saying that all their players were already adept at point No 2 and hence it is unlikely that they will face any problem coping with the new law. The PCB is however enraged at the new development and claimed it to be a conspiracy of the west. PCB chief Izaz Butt told fakingnews “We have a different schooling system in Pakistan. At the age of 5, parents of the students decide if they want their sons to become a bureaucrat, terrorist or a cricketer. Only the future bureaucrats are sent to a proper school, terrorists are sent to the JeT academy in PoK and the cricketers are thrown on the streets. How will these cricketers face an exam? They have never been trained to face one. It is clear that the world is threatened by Pakistan’s brilliant performance in the third test. They want to kill our cricket.”

In India , Raj Thackery has threatened the ICC that if such an entrance exam is started, Marathi abuses should also be a taught because most of the Indian cricketers are Maharastrians. Mayawati has already demanded a different cut off for SC and OBC’s in the exam. Freeriding sid contacted Shashank Manohar who was relaxed about the whole issue “The BCCI has already made a committee that will raise our issues with the ICC. I am sure they will either be ready to incorporate these demands or decide to cancel the idea altogether. Because if they don’t we will threaten to sever all ties with the ICC. I am sure they don’t want to get into such a soup.”

It is also being reported that some Indian parents have already started sending their children to various coaching centers who have started claiming that they are well equipped to teach students how to crack this exam too. “We have already employed a few ex umpires, cricketers and commentators in our faculty. Indians would not be facing a problem i.e only if they join our coaching center” said an excited CL Pillai, head of a reputed CAT Coaching center.

Blame it on the laws not randiv

Wrote it for and publised on 20 August 2010

Had Suraj Randiv balled that ball in street cricket, we would have called him street smart. Unfortunately for him he was playing international cricket and that too against a team which is to cricket what USA is to the world – a big fat bully. It is indeed ironical that the Indian media is chastising Randiv for doing something at which they are experts themselves - Manipulating the law without technically breaking it. I am not trying to play devil’s advocate by rationalizing Randiv’s actions, but I think the blame for his actions should go somewhere else. The laws of the game were created to please the MCC pensioners and are too archaic for the modern world. The very definition of what is acceptable or ethical behavior has changed. The stakes and emotions are much higher than what used to be and modern players have to keep those in mind before thinking about the spirit of the game. Would you call a batsman walking at a crucial stage of the World Cup final moral and honest? I would say he is cheating his team mates and countrymen by depriving them a chance of winning the greatest honor. If you compare our modern day cricketers to diving footballers, corrupt CWG officials, sensationalizing media they would come across as saints. Even today, cricketers generally display the best of behaviors and spirit of cricket. All of them have silly moments and incidences like Randiv’s are just a one off. I have even seen the Wall, The great Rahul Dravid take a catch on one bounce. He did not claim it but the umpire gave the batsman out as it is and he walked. Technically, Dravid never broke a law. The match was at a crucial stage and I am sure Dravid felt winning a test match for India is more important than his own supreme image. What is cheating for some is patriotic for others. It is responsibility of the law makers to design laws that are easy to understand and commonsensical and let cricketers play cricket without worrying about other things. Some of the laws which I find totally unacceptable are

1.Abolishing the mankeded law –A runner to move out of his crease before the ball is bowled is clearly cheating. Then why was it expected for the bowler not to manked him without warning. I am amazed that we had so few instances of bowler’s mankeding batsmen when it was allowed. Even then, for some reason ICC abolished it giving a license to the batsmen to cheat. We are not far away from a day when batsmen would steal a bye on the last ball of the innings of an ODI with the runner having run half way out even before the ball was bowled.
2.Penalty for running on the pitch –If I was the team’s coach of a side batting first, I will order all my batsmen to run on the pitch and damage it for our bowlers to exploit because never will an umpire dare to penalize 5 runs. All umpires give 2-3 warnings and only threaten the players about the penalty. I have never seen it enforced. A foreign umpire doing it against a sub continental team is even less likely because it will definitely lead to a huge backlash. Shouldn’t the batsman be penalized the way bowlers are, by sending them back to the pavilion.
3.The funniest rule is the one which Suraj Randiv just exploited and is related to the ending of the match. Firstly, the law is very difficult to interpret. According to it, if a team needs only one run to win and if the last ball goes for a four but the batsmen have crossed it will be counted as one run. The assertion here is faulty. When the batsmen crossed, there was still a possibility of the ball being stopped and the batsmen being run out. Hence, “technically” the match should end only when the ball crosses the boundary line and thus the batsman should get 4 runs. Please go and explain it to the ICC
Similarly, what would have happened if Randiv’s ball would have bounced thrice before reaching Sehwag. It would have become a dead ball right. And a dead ball cannot be a no ball, therefore the match should only finish once the ball reaches the batsman. Isn’t it? I neither have the inclination or the time to find out. In case you have, please explain it to me.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Randiv accepts deliberate no ball – blames overkill of Ind – SL cricket

Suraj Randiv, the much maligned Sri Lankan off spinner has accepted that he deliberately balled the no ball which prevented Virender Sehwag from completing his century. It is learnt that Randiv accepted the mistake after he started receiving death threats from some ethnic Indian groups who felt that Randiv had insulted them and wanted to take revenge.

An emotional Suraj Randiv addressed the press conference here in Colombo today and blamed the overkill of India Sri Lanka cricket for the fiasco. He said that he thought that he will create a controversy that would be large enough to create a diplomatic row and force the Indian government to ban India from playing in Sri Lanka. “The Indian parliamentarians are well known for fighting for the cause of the cricketers. They had earlier stopped all work to protest against racism allegations by Andrew Symonds. Before that they had got into a war of words with Greg Chappel. I thought that a similar situation between India Sri Lanka would finally put an end to the series of boring Ind-SL cricket matches” he said.

On being asked why he was so frustrated to play India, Randiv had the following answer “Since I have started playing international cricket I have always played against India. Indian players are world renowned for playing off spin and hence play me easily. I can never manage an IPL contract if Sehwag keeps smashing me for sixes. I desperately want to play the English or the South Africans who I am sure would not even pick my straighter one. Unfortunately, the SL board never organizes any matches against them. I could have easily picked 200 wickets till now.” Many Sri Lankan and Indian players are sympathetic of the view. They also said that they are sick and tired of playing the same team again and again. Not surprisingly, Indian fast bowlers have appealed to the media to stop hassling Randiv as he had a noble intention. Ashish Nehra said “I don’t blame him. It happens to the best of us. Even I am tired of balling on dead tracks. When I see James Anderson balling those balls that swing like a boomerang even I feel that I should get a chance to play in England. Unfortunately the board doesn’t agree. I guess Randiv took it too far but then I can understand, young people make mistakes”
Randiv in his final remarks said that he was ready to accept any punishment that the SL board wants to give him but hoped that he would never have to play India again after this controversy.

Peepli Effect - Khap Panchayat orders its own “Natha” to commit suicide

(Wrote it for fakingnews. Edited version published by them under my pseudo name on Aug 20,2010)

In yet another incident of Khap Panchayat’s tyranny, the panchayat of village Peemproli has ordered one villager Natha Singh Chauhan to commit suicide to help the village in getting the necessary publicity. Inspired by the movie “Peepli Live” the panchayat ordered that Natha should die because it will bring the much needed media and political attention to the village. Village Peemproli, a small village in Harayana is mostly inhabited by Brahmins and has not seen any development in the past 50 years. “We have never been part of any news ever. Our sons are so lame, they are never able to woo any girl let alone one of a different caste. Since we are predominantly a Brahmin village we cannot protest for any reservations and hence no political party ever visits us. None of us are strong enough to become Olympic wrestlers which is the only sport played in the town. Even our kids are so obedient that they never fall in any bore well. When we heard about Peepli Live we understood this is our opportunity to finally get our much wanted fame. Natha must sacrifice for the betterment of the entire kaum.” said a villager. Fakingnews reporter Freeriding sid managed to talk exclusively to Natha Singh who has been absconding since the Panchayat’s decision. He blamed the NGO worker Medha Chatkar for the whole situation. Natha said that Medha who acted as a consultant to the village panchayat had advised them earlier of creating some national level news. It was Medha, Natha alleged who convinced the villagers that for a revolution to take place they have to do something big. Since none of the other villagers can achieve anything of note, he was being made the poor scapegoat. Freeriding sid did interview Medha about this allegation. Unfortunately, the capitalist MBA type sid did not comprehend the communist jargon that Medha threw at him. The American Intel processor in his brain translated the interview as “Blah Blah, blah Blah, Blah Blah Blah.” Fakingnews is trying to decode the transcript and would publish the interview as soon as possible.
Fakingnews entry into the village was greeted with widespread elation in the village because they feel this will lead to mass avalanche of reporters coming to the village akin to the movie. “We have been successful in our efforts. All thanks to fakingnews” was the delighted reaction of the sarpanch of the village.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Pakistan Cricket Board offers peace deal to India – To trade reserve bowlers in exchange for Indian reserve batsmen

After their embarrassing performance in England and a fairly indifferent one by India in Sri Lanka the Pakistan Cricket Board has come with a unique proposal of trading Pakistani reserve bowlers for Indian reserve batsmen. Many people think that it is a last ditch effort by PCB chief Ejaj Butt to save his butt which has come under constant criticism by members of National Assembly over the past one month. Butt told media that we wanted to extend a hand of friendship to our neighbors. “We cant bat and they cant ball. And both us are mad about cricket. It makes a classic case for bilateral trade. Both the teams will become stronger than any other nation. What campaigns like “Aman ki aasha” and foreign ministers failed to do, cricket would do”. Surprisingly, world’s biggest cynic Bishen Singh Bedi also sounded excited about the proposal. Bedi told fakingnews “We in India have not been able to produce a single world class bowler since my retirement and they have not produced a batsman since Miandad. It would be brilliant if we can trade somebody like Sohail Tanveer for surplus batsmen like Rohit Sharma. Infact their situation is so abysmal that they would even accept Sourav Ganguly.”
Even though some fans are super excited, all is not hunky dory about the proposal and faced some opposition. Kamran Akmal declared on twitter that he is going to play in the next test match because the proposal does not cover wicket keepers although he is worried about his brother Umar’s future. Some like Shahid Afridi rubbished reports that Pakistan’s batting was pathetic. He said “We did not lose because our batsmans are bad. Our batsmans are good batsmans. They lost because English tampered with their balls. They always tamper with their balls but I was suspended for just putting the ball into my mouth. It was just because of racism”. There was no response from the Indian Board because they were too busy dealing with more important matters related to the IPL and ICC. Sharad Pawar refused to make any comment on an issue which he thought was of national importance and too trivial for the ICC president who only deals with international issues. There were few unconfirmed reports of Shiv Sena supporters beating up a few cricket fans in Mumbai. These fans were discussing the PCB proposal which was deemed anti national by the sainiks and hence they decided to teach the miscreants a lesson.
The proposal has certainly brought good news to old forgotten cricket players from both the nations who can now be seen leading emotional debates on all leading news channels across both nations.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Modi and Kalmadi join hands – To start their own Olympic league

(Published by fakingnews under my pseudo name "freeriding sid". Had to write this because i got some hate mails accusing me of

Shocked by the jolt of the rejected Asian Games 2019 bid, Suresh Kalmadi announced today that he is joining forces with the much maligned former IPL commissioner Lalit Modi to form a company named as Rendenzvous sports club. The company aims at starting parallel Olympic games and hosting it in India. “The similarity amongst the both of us is uncanny. We both are men of great vision and sporting passion. Our synergies were clearly visible. We getting together was just a natural phenomenon” said an elated Lalit Modi after the announcement. It is learnt that both were in constant touch after the end of IPL3 and decided to launch the venture when they fully understood that it was in no way possible to have Olympic Games in India without such a rebellion. The first edition of the games will be held in February 2012 clashing with the dates of the IPL in order to start a direct war against cricket. Many sporting icons of other sports welcomed this idea because they think it will challenge the hegemony of cricket in India. The locations and stars that will be performing in the opening and closing ceremony have already been decided. The ceremonies will see top performers from the Bollywood and the Hollywood film industries dancing together. It promises to be an event like never before and would bring loads of foreign exchange in the country. “If people thought IPL was big, they are in for a surprise” said Mr Sharad Pawar who clearly expressed that he has no stake in the company but was only giving outside support. “We have already signed up sponsorship deals worth 500 Crore. If IPL had deepika, we will have Angelina Jolie. If IPL had one bling, we will have 5 blings. Everything will be just bigger and better” said an elated sponsor who had unsuccessfully bid for an IPL team last year. Suresh Kalmadi could not be contacted but his secretary responded to the query on his role in the company - Mr Kalmadi has eons of experience in running non cricketing sports. There is no better sports administrator than him in the entire country because nobody under the age of 60 has been involved in that role. So who better than him to rule the roost?

There are rumours that some other experienced sports administrators like Praful Patel, Priyanjan Das Munshi and VK Malhotra would be on the board of the company.
“Its time to challenge the domination of the IOA and IOC who have always deprived Indians of viewing a world class event. If we cannot get it, we will create it. All the important preparations have already been done. Only the final issue of deciding on the games and venues to be played in the games is to be decided. ” said Lalit Modi in a press conference to the media.

PS: Needless to say the above was a figment of my imagination :P