Peepli Effect - Khap Panchayat orders its own “Natha” to commit suicide

(Wrote it for fakingnews. Edited version published by them under my pseudo name on Aug 20,2010)


In yet another incident of Khap Panchayat’s tyranny, the panchayat of village Peemproli has ordered one villager Natha Singh Chauhan to commit suicide to help the village in getting the necessary publicity. Inspired by the movie “Peepli Live” the panchayat ordered that Natha should die because it will bring the much needed media and political attention to the village. Village Peemproli, a small village in Harayana is mostly inhabited by Brahmins and has not seen any development in the past 50 years. “We have never been part of any news ever. Our sons are so lame, they are never able to woo any girl let alone one of a different caste. Since we are predominantly a Brahmin village we cannot protest for any reservations and hence no political party ever visits us. None of us are strong enough to become Olympic wrestlers which is the only sport played in the town. Even our kids are so obedient that they never fall in any bore well. When we heard about Peepli Live we understood this is our opportunity to finally get our much wanted fame. Natha must sacrifice for the betterment of the entire kaum.” said a villager. Fakingnews reporter Freeriding sid managed to talk exclusively to Natha Singh who has been absconding since the Panchayat’s decision. He blamed the NGO worker Medha Chatkar for the whole situation. Natha said that Medha who acted as a consultant to the village panchayat had advised them earlier of creating some national level news. It was Medha, Natha alleged who convinced the villagers that for a revolution to take place they have to do something big. Since none of the other villagers can achieve anything of note, he was being made the poor scapegoat. Freeriding sid did interview Medha about this allegation. Unfortunately, the capitalist MBA type sid did not comprehend the communist jargon that Medha threw at him. The American Intel processor in his brain translated the interview as “Blah Blah, blah Blah, Blah Blah Blah.” Fakingnews is trying to decode the transcript and would publish the interview as soon as possible.
Fakingnews entry into the village was greeted with widespread elation in the village because they feel this will lead to mass avalanche of reporters coming to the village akin to the movie. “We have been successful in our efforts. All thanks to fakingnews” was the delighted reaction of the sarpanch of the village.

Pakistan Cricket Board offers peace deal to India – To trade reserve bowlers in exchange for Indian reserve batsmen

After their embarrassing performance in England and a fairly indifferent one by India in Sri Lanka the Pakistan Cricket Board has come with a unique proposal of trading Pakistani reserve bowlers for Indian reserve batsmen. Many people think that it is a last ditch effort by PCB chief Ejaj Butt to save his butt which has come under constant criticism by members of National Assembly over the past one month. Butt told media that we wanted to extend a hand of friendship to our neighbors. “We cant bat and they cant ball. And both us are mad about cricket. It makes a classic case for bilateral trade. Both the teams will become stronger than any other nation. What campaigns like “Aman ki aasha” and foreign ministers failed to do, cricket would do”. Surprisingly, world’s biggest cynic Bishen Singh Bedi also sounded excited about the proposal. Bedi told fakingnews “We in India have not been able to produce a single world class bowler since my retirement and they have not produced a batsman since Miandad. It would be brilliant if we can trade somebody like Sohail Tanveer for surplus batsmen like Rohit Sharma. Infact their situation is so abysmal that they would even accept Sourav Ganguly.”
Even though some fans are super excited, all is not hunky dory about the proposal and faced some opposition. Kamran Akmal declared on twitter that he is going to play in the next test match because the proposal does not cover wicket keepers although he is worried about his brother Umar’s future. Some like Shahid Afridi rubbished reports that Pakistan’s batting was pathetic. He said “We did not lose because our batsmans are bad. Our batsmans are good batsmans. They lost because English tampered with their balls. They always tamper with their balls but I was suspended for just putting the ball into my mouth. It was just because of racism”. There was no response from the Indian Board because they were too busy dealing with more important matters related to the IPL and ICC. Sharad Pawar refused to make any comment on an issue which he thought was of national importance and too trivial for the ICC president who only deals with international issues. There were few unconfirmed reports of Shiv Sena supporters beating up a few cricket fans in Mumbai. These fans were discussing the PCB proposal which was deemed anti national by the sainiks and hence they decided to teach the miscreants a lesson.
The proposal has certainly brought good news to old forgotten cricket players from both the nations who can now be seen leading emotional debates on all leading news channels across both nations.

Modi and Kalmadi join hands – To start their own Olympic league

(Published by fakingnews under my pseudo name "freeriding sid". Had to write this because i got some hate mails accusing me of plagiaism....lol)


Shocked by the jolt of the rejected Asian Games 2019 bid, Suresh Kalmadi announced today that he is joining forces with the much maligned former IPL commissioner Lalit Modi to form a company named as Rendenzvous sports club. The company aims at starting parallel Olympic games and hosting it in India. “The similarity amongst the both of us is uncanny. We both are men of great vision and sporting passion. Our synergies were clearly visible. We getting together was just a natural phenomenon” said an elated Lalit Modi after the announcement. It is learnt that both were in constant touch after the end of IPL3 and decided to launch the venture when they fully understood that it was in no way possible to have Olympic Games in India without such a rebellion. The first edition of the games will be held in February 2012 clashing with the dates of the IPL in order to start a direct war against cricket. Many sporting icons of other sports welcomed this idea because they think it will challenge the hegemony of cricket in India. The locations and stars that will be performing in the opening and closing ceremony have already been decided. The ceremonies will see top performers from the Bollywood and the Hollywood film industries dancing together. It promises to be an event like never before and would bring loads of foreign exchange in the country. “If people thought IPL was big, they are in for a surprise” said Mr Sharad Pawar who clearly expressed that he has no stake in the company but was only giving outside support. “We have already signed up sponsorship deals worth 500 Crore. If IPL had deepika, we will have Angelina Jolie. If IPL had one bling, we will have 5 blings. Everything will be just bigger and better” said an elated sponsor who had unsuccessfully bid for an IPL team last year. Suresh Kalmadi could not be contacted but his secretary responded to the query on his role in the company - Mr Kalmadi has eons of experience in running non cricketing sports. There is no better sports administrator than him in the entire country because nobody under the age of 60 has been involved in that role. So who better than him to rule the roost?

There are rumours that some other experienced sports administrators like Praful Patel, Priyanjan Das Munshi and VK Malhotra would be on the board of the company.
“Its time to challenge the domination of the IOA and IOC who have always deprived Indians of viewing a world class event. If we cannot get it, we will create it. All the important preparations have already been done. Only the final issue of deciding on the games and venues to be played in the games is to be decided. ” said Lalit Modi in a press conference to the media.



PS: Needless to say the above was a figment of my imagination :P

The different styles of sleeping – During a presentation

Uptill this point all my posts on freeriding were based on my experiences at FMS, but now my scope is wider and the future posts would be inspired (read copy pasted) from the entire gamut – IIM A,B, C, XL (Sorry but i dare not think beyond ****) etc. I would like to thank my esteemed company for giving me this unique opportunity to continue my research on freeriding while being at the job. They have ensured that the cut throat corporate life would not stop me from completing my PHD on the topic.
Anyways coming to the latest gyaan issue –

All of us have to suffer the enormous task of sitting through 1000 boring ppts one after the another. Somehow by design or by luck most of these ppts are following a super lavish company sponsored lunch at a fine dining location. How then can we – hard(ly) working MBA’s not stop ourselves from sleeping around (I apologize for the intentional grammatical error). We all know its downright rude to sleep in a ppt, afterall what goes around comes around. And we MBA’s are everything but rude.
After talking to a lot of senior and experienced people I realized that the ppts are held to train us in the art of sleeping without being noticed. I have learnt a few techniques which I would love to share with all of you.


1. The most commonly used technique by smart alec’s is the one where they complain they are unable to view the ppt because a strategically located electric bulb is shining on the screen. Invariably this bulb is located right above the smart alec’s head and he promptly requests someone to switch it off. This puts the subject in the dark and hence he can sleep peacefully thereafter in the entire show. However, this technique is really old and smart MBA speakers of the last century do not fall for it.

2. The nodder – These super smart people have the unique talent of nodding after every bout of sleep. Each time they fall down from their sleep they nod heavily with some grunts like “ya” and “yes yes” to pretend that they are actually listening with attention. This pleases the speaker because he is fooled to believe that people are following him.


3. The Manoj Kumar way (Thinking pose) – This is I think the most stylish way to sleep inside a ppt hall. You hide your eyes and give an expression as if you are engrossed in deep thinking. The speaker would feel you are really impressed by his idea and doing some serious analysis of the issue being discussed.

4. If you are not really bothered by aesthetics, you can use the way I very successfully use. Keep your spectacles really dirty and keep them so low that the border of the spects is in direct eye line from the speaker. This will ensure your speaker is unable to look at your eyes directly.


5. The most diehard way that I found in the research was that followed by one of my batchmates in FMS. He used to sleep in the entire ppt, wake up, ask a question and then go off to sleep again. Initially, I was amazed at the dare devilry but later realized it is a technique which only a super smart ass MBA can follow. There are a few generic questions you can ask in every god damn ppt whatever the ppt may be. For example – “What are your future plans”, “How do you plan to expand the current business opportunities”, “Are you looking for diversification in your business”


After thinking long and hard, I realized that although the above 5 techniques are good but they only cater to the stated objective of not getting caught sleeping inside a ppt hall. The best technique must do something extra (just the way our company wants us to be. Afterall we are from premier ******). And then I discovered this legendary technique where the subject not only manages to evade getting caught, he actually impresses the speaker into believing that the subject is THE most diligent and hard working subjects of all. So here it goes –


Remember to take a notepad and a pen(even one which is not working) with you to the lecture hall. Now as soon as the speaker starts talking start scribbling(or just pretend to scribble). Very soon you will fall to sleep but your position would be such that the speaker will feel that you are making notes of all the points. He will never bother to ask you any questions and rate you as the best amongst the entire lot because trust me you will be the only one even attempting to write down anything in the entire hall.

PS: All the above techniques are pretty to safe to use(Tried and tested by experts) until my blog becomes super popular which is pretty safe to assume is not a short term phenomenon.

Sensational revelation: Mahut accepts the marathon match was fixed

In a sensational revelation, Nicolos Mahut has accepted that the marathon match was staged by the two players in order to attain fame and immortality. After being interrogated for nearly 3 hours by the London police, a very emotional Mahut broke down and accepted the crime. He said “I am a bloody court no 18 player. A court number 18 player lives at court no 18 and dies at court no 18”. He almost broke down saying “I have been a professional for 10 years now and nobody knows me. I come here, win one or two matches at outside courts and nobody sees. Then sometimes they throw me against Federer, Nadal or roddick on center court and everybody marvels at my haplessness”. While coming to Wimbledon, my 5 year old kid wished me “Dad! I hope you atleast win one match this time”. I was absolutely shattered to hear this and when I learnt that John Isner my good outside court friend was my opponent I devised this plan. I told Isner that we could become legends: greater than Federer or Roddick and he acquiesced. He agreed on the condition that I would ultimately let him win.

The British Police reported that the investigation was done because of allegations made by an unknown Pakistani cricketer Rashid Latif, who is an absolute expert on match fixing in sports. “I saw the match on television and immediately had the feeling this is not right. How can they hit so many aces in the 5th set? After having investigated match fixing for the past 15 years in cricket, it didn’t take me long to understand the conspiracy. I immediately called my friend Danish Kaneria, who has good contacts with the British police and they reacted instantly.” Latif said.

A visibly triumphant Latif who could be nominated for an OBE said in a press conference “ I played the game in a certain way. I walked every time I got out, never appealed unnecessarily and always played within the spirit of the game. I want to see all sports being run the same way. I would treat this as a very small victory. I am not going to keep quiet until all sports are set free from corruption. I hope they start respecting me more in my own country after this episode.”


PS: The post is obviously a work of fiction :-)

10 Reasons to support the English Football team

England reached a new nadir yesterday. But still I feel it’s a smart idea to support them. Here are a few top reasons why we should continue to support England at the WC –

1. If they win, you are entertained. If they lose, the british media ensures that you are super entertained.

2. If you watch their matches as a neutral, you will get so bored that you will doze off. Hence better support the three lions.

3. Watch the English team very closely. Their resemblance to the Indian cricket team is uncanny. Highly paid non performing superstars. Infact there are quite a few man to man parallels. For every Wayne Rooney we have Yuvraj Singh (angry young men), For every Frank Lampard we have Suresh Raina (Brilliant in the local league, pussycats abroad), For every Robert Green we have Ravindra Jadeja (Poor single error scape goats), For every Wayne bridge we have …(Well there are some differences of course) but I am sure Virat Kohli will suffer a similar fate.

4. The parallels don’t end here. Football is not the national sport of England, just like cricket is not the national sport of India. The people though are as madly in love with football and hence are equally tormented after some defeat. Thus we should have sympathy for the English players. Actually the English Football team is a fair reflection of the Indian cricket team in 100 years time when even the IPL will hardly have any Indian players playing.

5. When you look at Emile Heskey, you realize no matter how pathetic you have been throughout the year, no matter even if your local club doesn’t consider you good enough for a start, there is always someone somewhere who loves you and respects you. In heskey’s case, it is Capello.

6. No matter which side you support, goal keeping errors are always fun to watch and become a part of history. Some stupid game show might run a quiz years later asking you what happened next. Thus you can win some realy bounty in 10 years time, thanks to Robert Green, David James and Paul Robinson.

7. Watching them Chelsea fans would realize Rooney does not have such a great first touch, Man U fans would realize Lampard misses more shots than he scores, Arsenal fans realize Lennon should be sprinter instead of a footballer, Liverpool fans would find out that there are no evertonians in the entire squad. Classic case of finding out that grass was greener when you were on the other side. These points will give you bragging points in the most important EPL battle next year.

PS: Loyal fans cannot find out mistakes in their own players. I still find lampard and terry are playing at their best ever.

8. Even if they lose every match, each match is a story of David Vs Goliath, giant killing action. Such stories are always exciting to know. It inspires us and fills us with a dream that one day even the Indian football team will beat the English.

9. There are loads of cute, pretty blondes crying in the crowd. Just in case you happen to be on the ground you might want to lend a shoulder. For girls, you can see David Beckham cry.

10. Perhaps the most important lesson you learn watching the English team is philosophical in nature. Higher wages don’t necessarily produce winning results. This gives the HR a new excuse to start a new team building campaign crap which would mean a paid holiday for the entire office is just around the corner.

Cluttered ppt is an awesome ppt

We all have heard from our managers (lecturers) the idea to make a good presentation is to keep it simple clean and in bullet points. In MBA jargon, all bullet points no gas. However, the above is only true if you had no other work and hence prepared in extensive detail. But, modern hip-hop MBA’s like us don’t have time to spend on intricate details. And hence the small bullet point presentations are useless.

The art of making a great ppt lies in impressing upon the audience that you have greater knowledge of the subject that is being discussed. For this absolute knowledge about the audience is of paramount importance. Your senior manager (or lecturer) is generally a workaholic, sleep deprived, sex deprived gentleman with a weak eyesight. It’s important to exploit all the above weaknesses to create a classy presentation designed to kill. There is no greater presenter than one who can put his evaluator to sleep. Since all these evaluators are themselves hot shot MBA’s with largely inflated ego’s, nobody would ever accept the fact that he slept and hence would have no option but to appreciate the presentation. Here are few brilliant insights on how to become a great presenter–

1. If you are a pretty girl or your group has one, start with a deliberate technical glitch which looks genuine. For example taking a random.swf file to a place where you are absolutely sure that no flash player is in sight. The teary eyed female would arouse sympathy. The sympathy would immediately turn to appreciation when you bring to notice that you had the brilliant foresight and had kept a somewhat cruder ppt form ready. This way you will create an initial impression even before starting.
PS : In case you are ugly fat male, do not even try this stunt. You would arouse extreme anger instead of sympathy and your presentation is ruined at the first instance

2. Take a note pad with you. The notepad would basically have gibberish but it should seem you have made presentation notes based on some brilliant research. Insist that the light be kept open so that you can read it out. This would mean that your workaholic boss with a weak eyesight would not be able to read your presentation.

3. Make the first slide as cluttered as possible. Put all kinds of smart art, weird figures, random charts copy pasted. Refer all of the material. Curve arrows going from top to bottom work best to confuse the tired mind of the evaluator and would put him off to sleep. Random charts that are copy pasted should be barely visible from the place where the evaluator is sitting.

4. The second slide should only have figures. You can copy paste the balance sheet of the biggest company which is remotely associated with your topic. If you are the king of the freeriders, you can also put random data like CIP = 100% which is loosely interpreted as Chutiaps in this presentation is equal to 100%. Nobody would ask you to explain such data so chill.

5. All the evaluators were born in the time of Shakespeare and hence are unaware of the latest colloquials and language. Throw in as many such terms as possible. Here, your daily viewing of HIMHM, Friends, Prison break, BBT would help. For example, in a class ppt a dialogue like “ According to the great Barney Stinson, Lorenzo Van matthean is the most awesome” would drive your classmates to splits. Your professor who would have no idea who Barney Stinson is, would give a sheepish smile assuming Stinson to be some modern day philosopher, physicist etc. He would act casual and wont dare to ask who is being referred to. Other quotable characters are Sheldon cooper of BBT and Joey of Friends. Football Fans can try geeky names like Bixente Lizarazu, Ole Gunner Soljskaer or Van goner hasselink.

6. Never ever mention any word that is remotely linked to the subject expertise of the evaluator. These sex deprived workaholic’s only get orgasms after listening to such things and would rape you within the next two minutes.

7. Keep a stop watch to repeat the following lines religiously after every 90 seconds –
• For Marketing ppts – “Providing customer value is the most important. Customer is the king”
• For Finance ppts – “Providing shareholder value is the most important. Shareholder is the king”
• For Consulting ppts – “We did a thorough analysis. Consultant is the king. ”
• For HR ppts – “Providing people value is the most important. People are the king”

8. Give 3-4 random solutions to the problem that was given. Since we are awesome MBA’s, these solutions would come straight to your mind when you hear the problem. Dedicate the next two months(entire duration of the project) to justify these solutions. Find out (google) exactly the same number of advantages and disadvantages to all. No less no more. In case, your audience was not confused before it will be now.

After sufficiently confusing the audience, open the forum for questions. Only one question would arise “So what is your final recommendation”. Pick any one, state its advantage and then say but in case (Now return to point 8 and get into an infinite loop). Finish it by picking the one which would have the following characteristics –
1. In case you are a sales guy, you will get the sale
2. In case you are a consult, your company will be hired
3. In case you are a fin guy, the least amount of work will be given to you.
4. In case you are an HR guy, the solution which results in your increase of salary should be chosen


This my dear friends will make you an awesome presenter.